On May 19, 2010 I thought I had a miscarriage. I was around 11 weeks pregnant. I'd known I was pregnant for about 3 weeks, and I'd known I was having twins for only 6 days. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I'd waited so long to get pregnant, and it was all over.
Of course, you all know how it turned out. Something terrifying and bloody had happened, but it wasn't a miscarriage. Six weeks later I found out I was still pregnant with both twins.
But for one day and six weeks following it I felt the pain of losing a baby. Yes, my story has a happy ending, but I know in a small way what loss feels like. I acutely remember looking at the 4 small ultrasound pictures and bawling my eyes out over what would never be. I remember crying to the first time I heard the chorus to Kelly Clarkson's "All I Ever Wanted." And I will never forget the outpouring of love and support I received from friends, family, and coworkers.
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It also happens to be the day that our friends are burying their daughter Lucy. She lived for one day. I never met her, but I don't think I'll ever forget her. Carter is another baby that I never met, but who I think about often. His whole life was lived during part of my pregnancy with the girls. When they were born and I would get overwhelmed with how hard it was to take care of them I would think about his mom and how much she would love to have the type of day I was having.
And then there are all the mom's whose pregnancy's didn't even last long enough for them to know what they were having or to name their babies. When I thought I miscarried I felt so alone. Then other women who had miscarried started coming out of the woodwork. Women who I had incorrectly assumed were focusing on their careers or school confided in me that they had gone through miscarriages too. And since having the girls I've had more friends loss babies. It's never easy.
I look at my girls and I see how lucky I am to have them. I hug them a little bit tighter when I think about babies like Lucy and Carter. Their short lives will never be forgotten.
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This post was originally published on East Idaho Collective on January 31,
2023. EIM closed on February 15, 2023. I have moved my posts to this blog
in ord...
3 years ago
I love this post Valerie. I feel so sad for the Hammonds and all the women who go through that. I remember when I miscarried that I felt very similar to how you did. I just cried and cried and then people like you said started coming out of everywhere saying they had experience the same thing. Once Berick was born I thought to myself "how blessed I am to have this healthy beautiful little boy" and tried to keep that perspective when I had a frustrating day. Being a mother is something so sacred and special and those little ones that Heavenly Father sends us are so precious. Thank you for this post! It makes me want to go write a similar one...which I'll be doing now!
ReplyDeleteYou need a "Emotional" button to click--something along those lines.
ReplyDeleteI love this post Val I too have lost a baby it it truly is the hardest thing I didn't get to hold my baby or know his/her name but it was a devastating event and I feel SOOO terribly lucky everyday that I have my little logan.
ReplyDeleteReally Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete