I had my first real doctors appointment for Baby D yesterday. I was nervous for the appointment. A few nights ago I had laid in bed wondering how I would feel if they couldn't find a heartbeat. Would I be relieved?
The MA started moving the sensor over my belly. For a long time she couldn't find the heartbeat. I found that I was actually hoping she would find it. I was surprised at how anxious I was to hear a heartbeat. I realized that I would be very disappointed if she couldn't find one.
And then that familiar fast-paced popping sound came through loud and clear. I was instantly reminded of the last time I heard a heartbeat on a fetal monitor. That was back when I was in labor with Derrick.
I was "in labor" for about 12 hours with Derrick. Which sounds terrible, but really wasn't. The contractions didn't hurt until several hours after I went to the hospital. Once they did start hurting I just got an epidural and took a 3 hour nap until it was time to push. During that nap the nurse left the fetal heart rate monitor volume on. The steady thumping of Derrick's heart filled the room. I loved thinking about the fact that I was sleeping to the sound of Derrick's heart while he was sleeping to the sound of mine. Some moms say they bond with their baby through the pain/work/whatnot of labor. For me it was just relaxing while hearing his heart.
As soon as I heard the heartbeat I realized this is a Baby - as in a person. So far this pregnancy been one problem after another to solve. Problems such as: find out if I'm really pregnant, get the IUD out, tell Brandon, find a doctor that can actually do a V-BAC, figure out what to do about Brandon's impending deployment, buy a new car, etc. I think all those problems have made me think of this baby itself as a problem. Which is not this case. All these problems are short term. A few years from now none of them are going to matter. What will matter is that I have another really cool kid.
So I think my excitement/happiness level for this pregnancy has jumped up to about 75% now. I have an ultrasound scheduled for a two weeks from now. This isn't the one where we find out the gender. It's one to figure out how far along I really am. (My doctor says that my uterus size agrees with the math that I'm probably only about 12 weeks along instead of 14.) I'm sure that once I can see the baby on the screen I'll get even more excited for this baby.
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That heartbeat really does change everything. Val, my sister Annie had an IUD which fell out resulting in a pregnancy as well. She grappled with the same feelings of surprise, anger, and anxiety. Even after overcoming them for the most part, while in labor she felt them all over again. It was time to push and she was getting nowhere. She realized that she was holding onto this anxiety. She said out loud "I'm not sure if I want this baby." As soon as she said it, she knew it wasn't completely true, that what she didn't want was to face her fears about what having another kid would mean. She talked it out with her husband and midwife. Then she could push. As soon as she saw her son's face she knew that she really did want him.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm telling you this for 2 reasons. 1: your feelings about this baby are probably going to be up and down more than once, maybe even to the end of the pregnancy. This is okay. 2: if you ever need to talk, I am here and so is my sister. We get it. Hang on on that roller coaster ride called pregnancy!