Life after the retreat

Here's a question for you.  Is there life after attending a 4 day retreat?

In my experience the answer is no. 

The week after the retreat was basically filled with me simultaneously trying to catch up on everything while wandering around in an after-conference glow. 

It was a good week, but its also kind of a blur.  So this post will be rather short. 

And actually these first few pictures are from BEFORE the retreat.  I took them after I uploaded pictures. 

Lydia made a Halloween costume for her Barbie.  She's a Jedi. She also made a Mandalorian helmet and costume for one of her boy barbies.  But somehow I don't have pictures of that yet. 

I took this picture the morning before I left for Bear Lake. I love how the morning glory grew around the windchime. 

These flowers are so pretty.

And look at my peach tree. It was starting to hang over a lot from all the fruit. 

Okay, here's a story from the Monday after I got home. 

That evening Brandon and I were lounging on the couch.  Derrick came running inside and asked, "Where's my dollar?"  I told him it was on the microwave. He grabbed his dollar and ran off. 

I thought, "that was weird."  And then literally forgot all about it.  

A few minutes later Derrick came back eating a popsicle. He told me he'd put the dollar in his pocket, got on his bike, and followed the ice man music until he found the ice cream van. He'd picked out his treat and paid and then biked home. 

I was like, "Holy Crap! That's resourceful!  You did ALL that on your own?"  While also saying, "Please tell me where you are going next time."

Every so often Derrick does what I call "leveling up."  This was definitely a level up experience.  And it didn't end there.  He also figured that he could carry his chrome book in his little Yellowstone backpack without any input from me.  And later in the week he told me he wanted to walk home from school on his own.  I didn't need to come meet him at the corner any more. 

I was talking about it with my friend Kaymie. Her theory is that Derrick is more independent because he's not in school with the Twins. For the first time ever he's the oldest sibling at the school and so he's getting used to the independence. 

Anyway, after Derrick became the first kid in our family to EVER buy anything from the ice cream man the other kids got jealous. When the van went down our street Veronica went out to buy something.  Here's a picture of that. 

And then Charlotte and Lydia decided to walk to the store and buy ice cream with their money. 

Let's see, what else happened that week. 

Apparently the kids put socks on Marcia. 

On Tuesday night we had our Team Meeting at work. Brandon had rehearsal. We still only had one car so he took me to work and dropped me off and then went to rehearsal.  I walked home when the meeting was over. (I love living close to my office.)

The meeting was good.  We have so many different clinicians working so many different schedules that some clinicians never see each other.  These meetings are a good chance to match faces with names. 

Okay, now let's look at flower pictures. 

Here's the Marigold that Veronica planted in a cup at school this spring.  It's doing better than any of the marigolds I bought from the store. 

And look at all those fun flowers.  The alyssum and the zinnia's really took off. 

Here's the Hollihock.  It's not quite as stunning at it was last year.  But it still looks pretty. 

Oh and this is very important.  While I was gone the kids enlarged the hole they'd been digging in the unfinished area of the garden. It's basically a swimming pool now. 

The peaches were getting ripe so I took some off the tree so it wouldn't be hanging as much.  They are delicious!  And they are freestone. I knew that when I bought the tree, but didn't really think about it during the last 18 months.  But now that there is fruit I'm glad I bought a free stone tree. 

On Wednesday I had to work in the afternoon again. (We were close to hiring another receptionist, but it wasn't a sealed deal so I was still covering.) It was an "easy" week so Brandon didn't have to worry about taking Veronica to therapy or girls activity. 

That evening Charlotte and Lydia finally felt like going to Young Womens. They've been so overwhelmed by Middle School that they haven't gone to Young Women's since school started. They went this night and painted pumpkins. 

Brandon dropped them off at the church and then one of the leaders brought them home. 

Derrick really wanted to watch the movie 2012 that I'd picked up at the library. Apparently he's seen a lot of movie clips from that movie on Youtube, but he wanted to see the whole thing. 

I was pretty braindead from working front desk all afternoon so I was like, "Yeah, let's watch a movie tonight."

We did the thing where we fast forward through all the "talky-talky" parts and that made the movie shorter.  But we didn't finish it until about 9:00.  Derrick really liked the movie.  I hadn't seen it in over a decade and really didn't remember much about it.  But it was much more compelling than I remembered it being. 

When the big storm surge was happening at the end of the movie it just so happened that in real life we had a big rainstorm go over our house.  Lydia was home by that point and said, "Um I don't like watching this while it's raining."

When the movie was over we watched the How it should have ended video.  The kids love these.

On Thursday I went grocery shopping and then went to work. 

That evening we had a Relief Society meeting. Once again Brandon had rehearsal and I needed to be gone.  I felt kind of bad leaving the kids home alone on a weeknight for a second time that week. But the kids didn't mind.  They were like, "Will you pay us a dollar for babysitting ourselves?"  And when I answered yes they were like, "YAY."

The activity was in the backyard of a lady who lives around the corner from me.  She has a BEAUTIFUL yard.  Like transported-to-another-world level beautiful.  It was just amazing. 

And I was super happy to see that the other members of the committee were involved in helping with the activity. Maybe delegation is possible. 

The night was about self care.  So we talked about ways to de-stress, Amy Toft led us in Chair Yoga, and then we had AMAZING food.  It was lovely. 

 We were all grateful that the weather cooperated and a storm didn't come through THIS night. 

On Friday I worked on laundry and other things so we could go out of town that evening.  You'd think that for how much we've gone to Utah this year I'd be an expert at packing for the trip.  But honestly, I've gotten worse.  I used to have the kids pack on Thursday night and I'd check all their clothes to make sure they'd picked things that sort of matched and didn't have holes. But now we pack on Friday after school and I'm just like, "Three shirts, three pants. Okay you are good."

The kids came home, we finished packing, and then we drove down to Utah. 

One thing I did NOT do was can peaches.  I had everything ready, but I just didn't have the time.  So these cans just hung out on the counter waiting for me to come back. 

Oh and in my last post I kind of teased that there were little ripples extending out from the conference that were starting to get bigger.  Here are three little ripples that started this week. 

1. I texted the counselor over Relief Society Activities and asked her if we could meet sometime to talk about how to grow connection in our ward.  She said that sounded like a good plan. 

2. I emailed the Stake Relief Society President and asked her if I could present some ideas for making the next Stake Women's Conference have some retreat elements.  She invited me to the Stake RS meeting the next week. 

3. My friend Renee asked me if I would be willing to apply to be a board member for Idaho Parents Unlimited.  I love IPUL because they have helped me so much with getting services for Derrick so I immediately applied for that. 

I was quite happy with all these little ripples.  

And I think we are going to stop there.  Saturday was Veronica's birthday so that deserves it's own post.  

Thanks for reading. 

Women's Retreat Day Three and Four

Sorry about the longish pause between posts.  Day Two was A LOT and I felt like we all needed a palate cleanse before we moved onto Day Three.  And then I got busy with a bunch of stuff so it took a little longer than anticipated.  

But here we are ready to talk about Day Three of the Retreat I went to at Bear Lake. And guess what, thanks to that break I'm able to add Day Four to this as well.  So we are almost done. 

As a reminder, this retreat was put on by the people behind the Leading Saints Podcast. You should take a look at their episode list.  They have a lot of really great leadership content. 

Okay, Day Three was Saturday.  This was the second full day of the retreat. I was really into the swing of things by this point. I was starting to remember names.  (And could even recognize some people from behind.) I'd also spent a grand total of 4 hours sleeping in my assigned bunk bed. The first night I'd had trouble sleeping so I'd slept on the couch for a while.  And the second night I'd stayed up talking to my friend Talia. She was sleeping on a couch bed so I'd climbed in bed with her to talk with her and just never left. 

So yeah, in two nights I'd spent 4 hours in my own bed. I was having a GREAT time at this retreat. 

Breakfast was yogurt and granola with unlimited fruit options. This was pretty close to heaven for me. 

I liked to sit by different people every time I ate. I can't remember who exactly I sat with for Breakfast, but I'm sure it was another great conversation.  I'd started eating in the smaller dining area in the "C" part of the building.  It was much easier to hear in that room. 

At 9:30 we went to the conference room for our first session of the day. The chairs were set up in rows again.  This time they were in three sections with two aisles. 

Our speaker was Brooke Rasmussen.  She is in school to get her Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I was excited for this session because my boss is a Dr of Marriage and Family Therapy and I spend A LOT of time with therapists, but I don't actually get to hear a lot of what they actually do.  So I was interested to attend this session. 

A good title for this session would be, "Valerie has uncomfortable realizations about her personality - Part Two."

Because, just like with DeAnna Murphy's presentation the day before I came away from this one realizing I had some more things to work on. 

Brooke talked about Horizontal Relationships vs Vertical Relationships.  She said that we often try to put ourselves "one up" or "one down" in our interactions with others. She had a whole list of what "going one up" looks like and a whole list of what "going one down" looks like. I saw myself on both lists.  

Then she talked about how we should be striving for horizontal relationships where we treat others as equals and they see us as equals. 

There were a lot of parts to this conversation. But I'll focus on the biggest realization for me.  

When she gave us the list of what "going one down" it included things like, playing small, going silent, and, going along with ideas you know are bad just to keep the peace.

I started to recognize myself in these things. Not in every area of my life (I think I'm usually more inclined to "go one up") but I definitely saw myself in how I was acting in my current church calling. 

Right now I'm on the Relief Society activities committee. I've had this calling a lot. I also love this calling.  But lately I've kind of struggled with the fact that I'm "just" a committee member and not the one running the show. A few months ago the Relief Society Presidency was reorganized and the new counselor over activities has had a lot of good ideas and has been doing a lot of good things. She's great.  But it's taken her some time to learn how to delegate. Here is a complete list of things I have done in my calling in the last 4 months. 

1. Suggested we have a "popsicles in the park" activity for July.

2. Made a quick flier and texted people about the activity

3. Brought water for the activity

4. Chopped green onions for the Progressive dinner in August. (I didn't even buy the veggies. She brought them to me with the bowl they were supposed to go in.)

And that's it. 

I didn't realize it, but my internal thought process had turned into, "well, if you aren't going to ask for my help then I'm not going to feel bad when you burn out."

Actually, it wasn't just my internal thought process.  I'm pretty certain I'd SAID those things OUTLOUD when someone at the retreat had asked me about my current calling. 

So as I listened to Brooke talk about what "going one down" looked like I realized I was doing that with my relationship with the counselor over Relief Society Activities.  I was playing small and not offering my full help. I was just waiting for her to burn out.  Then I'd be able to "go one up" and be like, "I knew it. You should have asked for more help."

Yep, more uncomfortable realizations about my personality. 

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I could do about that. 

Brooke also gave us time to talk about what we were thinking with the people next to us.  I was sitting with a lady name Jill who was the Stake Young Women's president in her stake.  She was talking about her relationship with the Counselor over the youth and how it was a really bad relationship. He'd even made her cry at one point. 

I was like, "No, you don't need to deal with that. If he is making you cry that is a toxic relationship. That wouldn't be appropriate in a work relationship and it's not appropriate at church either. You need to talk to him about it and if that doesn't fix it you need to talk to the Stake President and let him know that the current situation isn't working. "

Later I felt like maybe I'd been to strong in my assessment of the situation. But the third lady in the conversation later told me, "You gave really good advise in our discussion time."  Jill never really said anything about it, but I'm glad that other lady did. 

After Brooke's session we had our "Time with God" when we could go off by ourselves for about 30 minutes and journal and pray and whatever. 

I ended up in the living room area near my room. I could feel a headache coming on and I was also feeling pretty full of realizations and things to think about. So I just sat on the couch with my eyes closed and then caught up on Marco Polos.  Maybe not the best way to spend my time, but I really didn't have much left in me at that point. 

Lunch was an assortment of salads including an Asian Chicken salad that I have been desperately trying to recreate. It was so good. 

I sat with some new ladies and heard some more great stories.  My headache was pretty bad by this point, but I just couldn't pull myself away from the conversation.  But eventually the conversation died down and I went up to my room for a 30 minute nap. (Which brought the total amount of time I'd spent in that bed up to 4.5 hours.)

I climbed in bed, set a timer, and was OUT.  I woke up 30 minutes later feeling a little better. 

Part of me wanted to just stay in bed, but the next session was with Whitney Johnson and I didn't want to miss that. So I went to the conference room and sat in the back. 

Here's a quick bio of Whitney Johnson. She went to BYU and majored in Music. After she graduated she moved to New York for her husband's career. (I think he was doing grad school or something.) She got a job as a secretary on Wall Street, but eventually felt like she could be a financial analyst.  So she took business classes at night and then started working in Finance on Wall Street. 

That's all cool enough. But after years of that she started working with Clayton Christenson and his work on Disruptive Change. If you are LDS you know Clayton Christenson as the guy who wrote the book "The Power of the Every Day Missionary." If you are in the business world you know him as the guy who wrote "The Innovators Dilemma."

Later Whitney went out on her own and talks about how to Disrupt Yourself. She has a podcast and is just awesome. I loved her episode on Leading Saints called Disrupt You Calling. I listened to this episode while driving across Wyoming with my sister Emily back in May of 2021. (But I think this was also one of the last episodes I listened to for a while. At the time I didn't even have a calling in the church and I felt sad that I didn't even have a calling to disrupt.)

Whitney's job at this event was to tie everything we'd learned together and get us to make a plan for what we would do with what we'd learned. 

Her presentation was great.  And she really knew what she was doing as a lecturer.  This would be a 3 hour long session.  At one point she could tell she was loosing us (I was looking around the room quizzing myself on everyone's names.  I don't know what everyone else was doing.) She had us take a break and walk around the outside of the building.  That was such a smart thing to do.  We all came back much more perked up and attentive.

One thing she had us do was set ridiculously small goals. Ones that would be easy to do so we could get a positive dopamine hit and want to keep going. 

We thought about our goals and then we had to tell them to someone we hadn't talked to at the conference yet. I ended up partnered with Karri.  (Somehow I really hadn't talked to her other than when she first welcomed me to the retreat.)  My goal was to reach out to the RS counselor and let her know that I wanted to talk about having more of a voice in planning and carrying out the activities. 

Then we sat back down and Whitney talked to us a little bit more about our goals.  Then she had us tweak them if needed and then share them with someone else. I met a lady named Diane (I think). I hadn't changed my goal.  When I told it to her she said, "Can I give you a hug? That goal makes me so happy. I'm the ward Relief Society President and I would love it if more people stood up and asked for more responsibility."  She gave me a big hug and I felt great about my plan to ask for more.

It seems like a lot of the people in the room were all planning to write books so the conversation was centered on that for a while. At some point I felt inspired to share wisdom from another podcaster.  I raised my hand and said something like, "I really like the advise from Chris Hardwick from the Nerdist Podcast.  He always says, 'Just make a thing.' Maybe it will be THE thing or maybe it will just lead to THE thing. But make a thing." Whitney liked that. 

At the end of Whitney's presentation we were all given a copy of her book.  I caught her right before dinner and had her sign it.  She looked at me and said, "Valerie, Make a Thing."  I was happy she remembered me.  (And still a little bummed that we hadn't ended up in the same sharing group the day before.)

By the end of the session my headache was back in full force. The lights had been just a little too bright and my brain was a little too full. We were given time to be alone again. I didn't feel like sitting anywhere after 3 hours in the conference room so I walked down to the lake.

It was really pretty. 

Here I am trying to contemplative. 

And here's my view when I went back up to the retreat area. The "house" is on the left. The activity building/conference room is on the right. 

We took a group picture in front of the activity building.  I love group pictures.  I wish I had a copy of it, but that haven't sent it out yet. 

Then we had dinner. Dinner helped calm my headache back down and by the end of the meal the headache was gone. 

After dinner we all sat in the big living room for one final session. Many people were on the couches and others were on chairs lining the walls.  I was on a chair up against the counter in the kitchen. 

We started our session with one final worship song. It was a bit of an unusual pick. It was Fight Song by Rachel Platten. 

At first I was like, "well this is kind of cliché." But wow, there is some kind of magic to singing a song like that at the top of your lungs with 60 other highly motivated women and the end of a leadership retreat. At the chorus we all put our hands in the air and were singing with so much passion.  

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

I was in tears.  Absolute tears. 

This song will NEVER be the same for me. 

The actual discussion part of this final session is a bit of a blur for me. Like I was listening, but my brain wasn't recording.  I was like, "This is really nice. I don't know what we are talking about."

I do remember that there was a thunderstorm happening outside.  (Which is why we were inside.) Dan Duckworth was making some important point and then the thunder rumbled. He made a joke about maybe getting struck by lightning after what he just said. We all laughed. 

They had us split into small groups of 5 or 6 and talk about what expectations and thoughts we came to the retreat with and what we were now feeling.  And what changed us in the middle. 

I was in a group with Jennifer, Bonnie, Brinn, and Christine. It was a great discussion. I talked about how I came thinking I just needed some more tools to be a good leader.  But how I was realizing I needed to work on some of the more bitter and prickly parts of myself. I also talked about how I wanted to take the retreat experience back to my ward and my stake. 

We ended up brainstorming for a while on how we could do some of the retreat activities on a ward level. It would be such a game changer to have that level of vulnerability. 

Then we rejoined the big group.  This was kind of the "closing ceremonies" of the retreat.  Kurt Francom talked to us a big. He told us that he may seem like an extrovert on the podcast, but really he's an introvert and to not feel bad if he didn't talk to us.  (I'd been ambushing him with semi-random questions so I'd kind of had a conversation with him. He'd mentioned in his introduction that he was from West Valley so I'd asked him about that at one point. That led to me realizing he went to the same Jr High as Brandon so later I'd ambushed him and asked him what year he'd graduated. He's a year older than Brandon, but didn't know him.)

Kurt always ends his podcasts interviews by asking the guest, "How has being a leader helped you be a better follower of Jesus Christ?"  So he asked all of us to consider that. 

Karri spoke for a bit and then Dan Duckwork said he had one final activity.  He and Karri had been joking all weekend about how he always says that she can have the last word, but then he would need to say something.  This time he said, "I have one last activity, but Karri really does get the last word. I want you all to think of one word to describe how you are feeling right now. We'll go around the room and say our word. Karri will be last."

So we did that.  My word was Harmony. Earlier in the retreat someone had talked about how we think we want Unity, but really we want Harmony.  That's how I was feeling.  Everyone's words were so great. They were things like, Love, Joy, Full, Overwhelmed, Uplifted, Sisters, Friendship, Ignited, and so on. There were a few duplicates.  Tammi actually picked Harmony as well.  

And Karri did get the last word.  Hers was Peace.

We were dismissed for the evening, but NO ONE went to bed.  Everyone just hung around talking for a super long time. 

We'd been promised some sort of slack channel or Facebook group to keep in contact. But I wasn't taking any chances.  I had people signing my notebook like it was a yearbook.  Other people were doing the same thing.  I didn't ask for everyone's contact info. I had about 10 people I for sure wanted to keep in contact with. And I knew the Facebook algorithm well enough that I knew if I could find a few people on there I'd start getting friend suggestions with the people that they had friended from the retreat.  (I think so far I've friended like 25 of the 60 people from the retreat so that plan is working out.) 

I was in a bunch of different conversations for a while, but finally settled down into a long one with Tammi and a lady named Kimberlee. That lasted until midnight. 

That felt like a good time to go to bed. So I went upstairs and got ready.  Talia was on the couch bed and had told me I could climb in with her if I wanted.  But she seemed to be asleep when I went upstairs.  So I climbed into my bunk bed and logged about 6 hours up there. (Bringing the total for a 3 night trip up to 10.5 hours.)

Sunday

There was a hike to the lake happening at 6:45 and I surprisingly woke up in time for that.  So I went down to the lake with a group of about 20 ladies - and Kurt Francom.  

While we waited for the sun to rise someone brought up Mormon Women for Ethical Government. And someone else said Kurt should interview them.  And I was like, "Oh I used to be the Idaho Chapter Leader. I'm Facebook Friends with the MWEG president Emma Adams. I'll get her contact info for you."  So that was a fun little meeting of the minds.

The sunrise was beautiful

It was so bright when it came over the mountain. 

Here I am enjoying the sunlight. 

More sun.

And I somehow turned on a weird filter. But it still looks cool.

Breakfast was a casual buffet and was happening when we got back. I ate with some ladies and then went to pack my stuff. 

We had until 10 to check out and then we had the option to go to church at 10:30.  I'd been thinking I'd stay as long as possible.  But then I realized that I was just going to get sadder and sadder as people left. I don't like seeing people leave. I think that comes from watching friends move away in the military. 

So I took my stuff out to the car and then just went around hugging people. I was like, "I'm not leaving yet, but I'll just say goodbye to people as I see them."  That worked well for my heart. 

I also took a picture of this painting that was up in the upstairs living room.  I'd stared at it a lot through all of the discussions I'd had in that room. It was so pretty. 

And then at some point it was just time for me to leave. I went out to the car and drove away.

It was over. 

But not quite. 

I'd debated how to drive home.  I'd thought about going home through Logan.  My Life Long best friend Ashley lives in the Logan area so I could stop by and see her.  Or I could see my college best friend Amy who is also there.  Or I could stop by and see my Aunt Karen. 

But after a weekend talking to women I realized I needed time to myself. 

So I drove north to the Idaho side of the lake and went to the Idaho State Park on the East Shore.  I've never been to this part of the lake and I was curious what it was like. There is a campground there and I've often thought about reserving a site there so I wanted to scope it out. 

But mostly I just wanted to spend time with the lake.  

My phone had been at 11% when I started driving and I'd thought I'd plugged it in to charge.  But I'd never pulled the charger far enough into the outlet.  So when I got to the state park my phone was completely dead.  

This ended up being a huge blessing.  I didn't have my phone to distract me at all.  I went down to the water with my notebook and wrote. I wrote about each women I'd met. I wrote about the sessions. I wrote about my feelings. It was a wonderful way to end the weekend.  

I spent almost two hours down by the water. Then I went back up to the car and charged my phone enough so I could take a picture of the lake.  

I'd spent my time writing on this bench you can barely see. 

Then I drove around the campground and took this picture from one of the campsites.  Yes I'm very tempted to come here.  But the lack of shade has me worried. 

Here's one final picture from the road.  There had been a few cars driving by on the road. But the whole time I was at the state park I hadn't seen another person. 

I drove back around the lake and took this picture of the north beach. 

And then I said goodbye to the lake and started driving home. 

The drive was pretty uneventful. I'd listened to podcasts on the way down, but my brain was so full I didn't really want to listen to anything else on the way home.  So for a long time I just listened to nothing.  Later, when I got a little sleepy, I turned on the radio. 

I stopped for dinner at McDonalds in Pocatello.  I went to the one by ISU and then drove over to the ISU campus to eat and take a break.  I parked by the Early Learning Center because I knew there was good shade there. 

I nearly started crying when I saw that ELC. It's been almost exactly 5 years since I signed Veronica up for daycare there. I did it without a job because I knew I HAD to get a job. It was a pretty big leap of faith - especially since I hadn't applied for the Childcare credit. I remember stressing about how we'd afford it. 

But I got a job, the childcare credit came through, I signed the other kids up, and the ELC became a huge part of our time in Pocatello.  I really don't know how we would have made it through Brandon's school without the ELC. 

All those thoughts and feelings came back.  Along with a million more memories.  ISU was such a big part of our live. I was already tired and emotionally raw from the weekend and to be back on that campus just felt like something special. 

Pocatello is unique in that it's one of the only places I've lived that I can go back to visit.  But because of that it can also be surprisingly emotional to visit. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of a memory. 

And I just had this sense of like, "5 years ago I didn't know what I was doing and yet look at all the good that came out of this place. What am I doing now that I'll look back on with these same feelings in 5 years?"

It was a strange and yet fitting way to feel at the end of that weekend. 

I started driving again. (Past the courthouse where I worked, past the park where my kids played.)  And got on the freeway. 

The last 100 miles of the drive were also uneventful.  But the last 30 or so were almost painful.  I was pretty sick of the car at that point. I just wanted to get home. 

When I got home the kids were so excited to see me.  They told me ALL about the weekend with Brandon. 

I'd left them without a car so they'd had some fun adventures on their bikes.  He'd even make them ride their bikes to church that day.  (I'd told him a bunch of times that many people in the ward would give them rides, but Brandon told me he'd wanted the kids to know they could ride their bikes to church. So yay for life lessons.)

And that's where this story ends - at least for now.  There are already little ripples spreading out from this weekend that are going to affect things for a long time. But I'll talk about them more later. 

Thanks for reading. 

 

What's next? 

Women's Retreat: Day Two

This post is the second part of my recap of the Women's Retreat I went to at Bear Lake.  If you haven't read Part One please go back and read that one and then come read this one.  You can Read Part One here.  

This post starts with Friday which was the second day of the retreat. This was the first full day of the retreat. 

I woke up at 7:00. If I'd been up a little earlier I could have gone to a Yoga class or a High Low Fitness Class. But I didn't feel like walking in late to either of them. 

Instead I decided to walk down to the lake. My roommates were already up so I didn't have to worry about waking them up. I got dressed and went out to the upstairs living room to put on my shoes. 

Another lady named Rachel was in our shared living room.  She and I started talking while I put on my shoes. We were talking about Fiona Given's presentation from the night before.  Rachel asked me, "Do you know anything about that Junia the apostle she was talking about?"

And boy did I ever. Fiona was the third person I'd heard talk about Junia in about a month.  I showed Rachel the verse in Roman's where Paul mentions Junia and it seems that he is saying she is an apostle.  Then told her the quick history of how Junia's name was masculinized in copies of the scriptures for centuries before being changed back.  Then I directed her to the At Last She Said It podcast episode where I first heard about all this.  (The other podcast where I heard about Junia was an episode of The Bible for Normal People, but I can't remember what episode that was.)

At 7:30 I paused my conversation with Rachel so I could go down to the lake. The retreat location was about two blocks from the beach. 

It's been over a decade since I've been to this part of Bear Lake so I took a minute to explore Garden City. It's VERY different now. There are so many buildings everywhere. And the lake is so much lower than it used to be. Here's a view of the lake from the main highway. 

I walked ALLL the way down to the lake shore. It was so good to be close to the water. 

I went back up to the house and got ready for the day.  I took a shower and then wished I'd brought my blow dryer because my hair was super stringing looking. I left the bathroom while I was still brushing my teeth.  When I went to spit out my toothpaste the bathroom was occupied.  There was another bathroom that was open, but a lady was in there doing her make up.  I asked, "Do you mind if I use this sink?" in a muffled toothpaste filled voice. 

She was like, "Oh YEAH, Of Course!"

She also let me come over and do my make up.  We shared the mirror and got to know each other a little bit.  Her name was Talia.  She was supposed to be sleeping on the top bunk in a room in the C Section of the building.  But she had knee surgery recently and wasn't so sure about climbing up and down the ladder.  So she'd been given an extra bed in one of the double rooms in A section.  She had to give up that bed when the guest would arrive on Friday afternoon, but she said she just had a feeling she needed to be in the A side of the house. She said, "I think I'll just sleep on the couch in this living room tonight."  I was like, "I slept on it for part of the night, it's comfy."

She asked me how I found out about the retreat and I told her, "I listen to the podcast. But I don't listen very often anymore because it just makes me sad that I don't have a lot of leadership opportunities in my ward."  She was so kind with my feelings about that.

And equally important - she had access to a blow dryer.  It was her roommate's, but the roommate had let her use it and Talia said I might as well use it too.  So I went down to breakfast with nice hair and a new friend.  

Breakfast was at 8:30.  They had a yogurt bar with all sorts of fruit for toppings.  There were also muffins and some eggs and spinach. 

I ate in the big dining room for breakfast. I loved the conversations I was having with the women around me, but I vowed to never eat in that room again. It was just too loud.

After breakfast we met up in the conference room in the other building for another speaker. We had another worship song and then were introduced to Sara Strong. She spoke to us about the things she and her husband implemented when serving as the Mission President couple in Arkansas before and during the pandemic. 

I REALLY liked her presentation. I have a lot of opinions about LDS missions. I've been concerned for a long time about how toxic mission culture can be.  Sara had the same concerns and they were confirmed when she started the mission. She and her husband spent 3 months observing how things were and then they went to work trying to correct things.  They did some pretty out of the box things, but they WORKED.  

For example, when they started their mission they had 44 missionaries that were on their mental health watch list. When they ended their mission they had 2.  

This was a presentation about what she did for mission culture.  But in a broader context it was about thinking outside the box and doing what needed to be done regardless of tradition or even handbooks. It was so inspiring.  

My favorite quote was when she was talking about when she received the mission call.  She said her thoughts went like this, "If I'm being called then He knows who I am and He wants what I've got."

I would have loved to talked to Sara after her presentation.  Most of the speakers were also attending the conference and it was cool to rub shoulders with them  But Sara had a brief window of time she could attend.  She came in that morning and she slipped out the door while we were getting instructions for our next activity. 

I hope Kurt interviews her for the podcast one day because the stuff she talked about was GAME CHANGING. I took so many notes. 

After Sara's presentation we were told we would do something referred to as the Vow of Silence.  This was 30 minutes of quiet time where we'd have a chance to journal and pray.  We'd do this after four of the sessions. 

I found a comfy couch in the rec building for my quiet time and thought about the presentations I'd been to so far. 

After that was over we met up in the big living room in the center of the house. Before the retreat we'd been told to bring something that represented a moment in our lives when we "made a pivot, or gained new awareness, or had an experience that deeply impacted" us.

We were going to break off into groups of four and show our item and then tell the story. Then the people in our group could ask questions about the item. 

The kitchen crew had worked hard to make boxed lunches.  Karri read off our groups, we picked up our boxes and found somewhere to eat our lunch while sharing our stories. 

Assignments were made alphabetically by our first names.  At first I thought I was going to end up in a group with Whitney Johnson which would have been INCREDIBLE, (she's an amazing business guru) but it didn't work out that way.  Instead I was in a group with Tammi, Teri, and Talia (yes the Talia from sharing a sink that morning).

I was bummed about missing out on Whitney Johnson, but I'm so happy that I was in the group I was in. Teri and I had talked that morning before Sara's presentation. Talia and I had talked while putting on make up. I was looking forward to talking with both of them again.  And I was happy I had a chance to really meet Tammi. I'd talked to Tammi in passing and I REALLY wanted to get to know her better.  This was the perfect opportunity. 

I'd been looking forward to this ever since I heard about it.  At first I planned to bring my Yellowstone key chain as the object that represented a shift because deciding to live in Yellowstone and then actually pulling it off was a HUGE shift in my life. 

But at some point during the last day I'd decided that a better thing to show would be my "Protestant Women of the Chapel" pin.  I've had this pin on the straps of my scripture bag for several months and I'd brought my bag with me so I had the pin with me.  And it represented a deep shift. 

I'm not sure I've ever really laid out the story on this blog.  If you've been reading long enough you saw it happen in real time, but I've never told this in short story form. So here you go.

When we lived in Alabama I didn't feel super connected to my ward.  Our church building was 20 minutes away and so it was quite the commitment to go there. We had monthly Relief Society Activities, (and I was on the committee for a while), but there was a significant amount of time where I just didn't feel very connected to the ward. 

It didn't help that Brandon and I were serving as Primary Teachers. I don't like serving in primary when I'm still getting to know a ward. It's like "how can we make it even harder to meet adults." 

Meanwhile the Wings Chapel on post was 5 minutes away. The women's group with that chapel held monthly craft activities, and they provided childcare.  I started to attend those events. It helped that my friend Becca was the LDS chaplain's wife and she was attending the events too. I was like, "If Becca is going then this must be fine."

Eventually I started going to the Protestant Women of the Chapel events that were held weekly. They had a big welcome event in the fall and I was given my Protestant Women of the Chapel Pin at that event. They would have brunch and sometimes speakers spoke to the whole group and other times we split into small groups. I joined a group studying Romans. 

It was in this small group that I learned about a Jesus that I'd never met before.  A Jesus that loved me regardless of whether or not I was reading my scriptures, going to the temple, or even praying. A Jesus who was willing to meet me where I was and help me with my struggles. A Jesus who strengthened me, not because I was "good," but because he was good. 

And knowing this Jesus was crucial to the point of life I was in. Things were falling apart with Flight school and Brandon's Army Career in general. I was having thoughts of "oh if we'd just gone to the temple more often God wouldn't have let this happen."  Or "We should have made family prayer a bigger priority. We weren't faithful enough so God is punishing us."

Learning about this unconditional Jesus completely changed those thought patterns. God wasn't punishing us. This wasn't because we weren't faithful enough.  It was just something that happened. It was just life.  And life doesn't work out perfectly.  

I've never been the same since meeting that Jesus. You'll often hear me speaking up in church lessons saying things like, "We need to remember that Jesus will help us with this.  We don't have to do it on our own."  Or "You don't have to be perfect for Jesus to help you. He wants to help you now."

Anyway, that was my story. Talia, Teri, and Tammi shared theirs.  (Tammi's life changing object was her podcast app.  Yep this was someone I wanted to know.)

We were sitting in the living room area outside my bedroom. The couches were comfy and there was really no reason to leave.  So we just kept hanging out and talking.  Teri left at some point, but Talia, Tammi and I kept going. Tammi had been the gospel doctrine teacher of her ward until recently when she was called to be RS president. We had some pretty in depth conversations about those callings.  She was like, "Half the ward things I'm a heretic."  And I was like, "Hey you still have those cool callings.  That gives me hope for me."

We were joined by Jessica and Salina.  Salina was a power house. She was the ward activity director, but she wasn't in charge of parties and stuff.  She was in charge of building ward unity.  She had some AMAZING ideas about building unity in her ward that she'd actually been able to do. They'd actually cut Sunday School in half and had small group meetings in order to try to build a sense of community in the ward. I was like, "HOW did you convince anyone to do that?"  (It helped that her bishop was really committed to building unity in the ward.)

One thing impressed me enough that I put it in my note book.  She'd started asking people in her ward two questions. 

1. What are your spiritual needs?

2. If you could redesign church to fit your needs what would it look like?

She said many people were like, "What are spiritual needs?"  That was a big indicator of a big problem. 

 

We also threw in a whole discussion about Heavenly Mother, because WHY NOT?

It was an afternoon well spent. 

At 3:30 we met back up at the conference room.  The chairs had been rearranged.  The previous night they'd been in rows with a center aisle.  Now they were in a big circle around the whole room. 

I sat next to a lady named Patricia from Hawaii. She was so warm and loving right away.   

For our worship song they dimmed the lights and told us to pretend we were at a Christian Rock Concert.  Everyone turned on their cell phone lights and we stood around the front of the room with our hands in the air.  It was really fun. 

I was really looking forward to this session. This was DeAnna Murphy's presentation. If you want to hear my favorite episode with DeAnna go here. (The part where she talks about puzzle pieces at minute 33:30.)

DeAnna's presentation ended up being where this conference took a turn for me. I went into the conference with the attitude of "I'm fine. I just need to learn some more leadership skills and get some more tools and then I'll be even better."

I came out of DeAnna's presentation with the realization that "maybe I need to work on myself and fix some things so I can be a better leader."

This session left me feeling pretty raw. DeAnna had us do a little bit of a life map where we charted our lows and our highs.  She had us write down three lows in our lives and think about what those lows made us thing about ourselves. Then we turned to the person next to us and told them about our lows. 

I'd avoided writing down anything about my childhood. I didn't do it on purpose, it was just easier to think of three things from adulthood.  But when my partner, Patricia, told me about a low from her childhood we both got really teary eyed.  I recognized the feelings she was sharing with me. And I realized I probably had some deep seeded emotions in my childhood that I needed to face head on.

Then we told about our highs and what we'd learned from those and how they helped heal some of our lows. 

I tried to short cut the work on this part of the class. Rather than actually think about it, I already knew what high and low would be the best "story" to tell.  So for my low I talked about that winter we lived with my in laws after Brandon got out of the Army. Those of you who read this blog back then know that this was an awful time in my life. I consider it one of my lowest points. 

That low point led directly to me applying for a job in Yellowstone, buying an RV, and then our family had the BEST summer ever.  It was one of the highest highs of my life. 

I've told that story a lot.  I love that story. It's inspiring. And wonderful. And just the ultimate happy ending. And it is. 

BUT then Patricia asked a follow up question that no one has ever asked. 

"Did you ever fix your relationship with your in-laws?"

And I was like, "UUUUUMMMMMM no, I actually didn't."  We smoothed over that rough time and basically just never talk about it. But as for actually fixing the relationship. No. I still have a ton of resentment about the time I spent living there. And I know it still affects me. 

And so then I was left thinking about that. My triumphant story actually had a unresolved subplot. 

DeAnna went on to do a little object lesson. She had a beautiful glass pitcher.  All the lights were turned off and she shined a light through the pitcher.  It the light shown and lit up the glass.  

Then she had a pitcher that was filled with rocks. She shined the light again, but it didn't show up at all.  The rocks completely blocked the light. 

She said the pitcher was like our heart and the rocks were things that were unresolved.  Most of them had to do with fear. She challenged us to look at our fears and then commit to letting them go.  That way we could get rid of the rocks in our hearts. 

I left that session with a lot of thoughts about the rocks in my heart. I'd done my best to ignore them for years, but now I was painfully aware of them. 

I think I'll be working on this for a LONG time. 

We had 30 minutes of quiet time and I wrote a lot of stuff in my notebook. 

Then it was time for dinner. We had chicken kabobs, salad, and grilled peaches that were just divine. 

At 7:00 we were back to the conference room for another speaker.  The chairs were still in a circle.  I went to sit by a lady I hadn't talked to yet. I tried to engage her in conversation, but she didn't seem very talkative.  I took it as "she doesn't like you very much."  So I stopped talking to her and started talking to Salina who'd come in and sat by me. 

I was like, "Well you can't win them all."

The worship music this time was a calm ballad. Called So Will I (100 Billion X) by Hillsong Worship (If you know about the recent Hillsong scandals please don't let the Hillsong connection ruin the song for you.)

 

Melanie, the worship music leader, came over and put her arms around some of the ladies near me.  They all swayed together. The not-talkative lady next to me ended up in the swaying group.  And she reached out to me and put her arm around me to bring me into the group. 

Instantly I went from "she doesn't like you" to "she likes you."  It's funny how physical touch did what talking couldn't do. The rest of the conference I had the BEST feelings about that lady.  And I even had a conversation with her on Saturday. 

Our speaker for that session was none other than Kurt Francom. He said he'd wanted to record a live episode, but had trouble finding a suitable quest. So he decided to interview us as a group. I'm not sure how good of an interview it ended up being, but it was a pretty cool workshop.  We were divided into groups and talking about different things we struggle with as leaders in the church. 

I can't really remember what group I was in (even though I'm pretty certain Salina and I came up with the topic).  What I do remember is what someone shared. 

A lady named Marnee talked about how she was the Young Women's secretary in her ward. She volunteered to do leadership training for the youth. 

When she said that I was like, "oh, I should probably be doing that."  Not leadership training per se, but just volunteering to help. 

If you've been reading since January you know I have STRUGGLED with the Young Women Program in my ward. The details aren't important, but I've been very vocal to pretty much everyone about my frustrations. But I haven't done a single thing to help the situation.  I've just been content to complain. I haven't offered help AT ALL. 

I realized this was a huge rock sitting in my heart that I needed to get rid of soon. 

This was on my mind the rest of the time Kurt was speaking. I'm sure he said some really cool stuff. And I'm sure others shared great things.  But I was sitting there realizing that I was a pretty crappy leader if all I did was complain about the problems and never offered to help. 

That was a heavy realization. 

When the presentation was over Salina said, "we'll I'm going to chat with Fiona Givens for a while."  That sounded AMAZING, but it also felt like too much work for me at the moment. I was pretty much done with learning and just wanted to relax for the rest of the evening. 

I'd heard Melanie say she was planning to get in the hot tub so I went over to her and confirmed that she planned to do that. We planned to meet at the hot tub at 9:00.

Most people were still hanging out at the conference room and I realized this was a perfect time to take a Marco Polo of the house for my family.  I wanted to do it when I didn't have to worry about a lot of people being on the camera.  So I grabbed my phone and went around the house showing things off. 

Here's the video of that.

I also did a video of going down the slide.  It's mostly just my feet so I won't upload that here. But it was fun. I was dizzy when I was done. 

Then I did a video of going up to my room. It's a shorter video so you can see it here.

My kids loved the videos and are begging me to take them to Bear Lake so they can go down that slide. 

I went to my room and changed into my swimming suit. One of my roommates was already getting into bed.  I was like, "I haven't slept well all week - no reason to expect to sleep well tonight."

I went out to the pool. The kitchen staff was already in the hot tub.  They were all ladies close to my age. One of them was Kerri's daughter. She and her friends had catered a wedding for another one of Kerri's friends and they'd done such a good job with that event that when they volunteered to do this Karri's was like, "OKAY!"

They told me to go down the slide.  I joked, "I feel like you are hazing me." But I went down the slide and landed in water that was warm. Then I came over and got into the hot tub.  It was so nice. 

Melanie came out and went down the slide too.  Then she came in the hot tub.  Almost as soon as she got in the bubbles all turned off.  We were like, "It's only 9:00, this is supposed to be on until 10:00."  But we couldn't find anywhere to turn the bubbles and the heat back on.  We sat in the hot tub as it got colder and colder.  Most of the kitchen staff gave up and got out.  Melanie did too, but just as she got out everything magically came back on. 

Melanie and I ended up being the only ones in the Hot Tub. This was something I was looking forward to. Back in 2019 I'd listened to a podcast that I was pretty certain that Melanie had been on.  I asked her, "You are in charge of Heart of a Women. Were you on the Heart of a Women podcast that Kurt recorded a few years ago?"

She told me that she'd been on the episode with two other women. I asked her, "Are you the one that talked about God's nick name for you?"  

She said yes. 

And then I just was blurting stuff out. I was like, "Oh my gosh, you are Feisty Girl!  I loved that story. It made me cry. It made me feel not alone.  I was on a walk when I listened to that and I could show you the EXACT spot where I heard you tell that story."  

(You can listen to that podcast here.  The story I'm talking about starts at 33:10)

Melanie dealt with my fan-girling really well and we moved onto talking about Heart of a Women. I've been interested in that retreat ever since I heard that episode.  I've always thought about going someday.  Melanie invited me to come next year.  

We also talked about the Bible Study group I'm in.  Most people I'd brought it up to were like "Oh wow! That's different, how did you end up in that?"  Melanie asked me, "What translation do they use?"  And we talked about the ESV bible and how it's a word for word translation. 

We had a lovely time talking in the hot tub.  But eventually we got to the point where we felt like we were cooking.  So we said goodbye and got out for a cool walk to the house. 

I changed into pajama's but I wasn't even close to ready for bed.  So I went down by the fire and joined in with a conversation around the little fire. I had hot chocolate in one hand and a super warm fire nearby so I warmed up very fast.  

While I was taking with the ladies there I saw Salina, Tammi, and one other lady come out of the conference building with Fiona. They'd been talking to her the whole time I was goofing off with polos, and hot tubs, and fire pits. 

That conversation died down and I went to the larger fire. (Where Fiona had settled down to continue talking with the three ladies)  At first I wasn't really involved in any conversation.  But soon I started talking to Angelique and we had a deep conversation. I was really happy I got to know her. 

At midnight Angelique decided she wanted to go to bed.  She stood up and said, "goodnight" and suddenly the whole fire went out.  It was so funny. It was a gas fire on a timer, but everyone took that as a sign that it was time for bed. 

(Salina was like, "I can't believe I talked to Fiona Givens for over three hours!")

I still wasn't exactly sleepy so I went upstairs and sat on the big couch.  Talia was up there getting ready for bed. She was still planning to sleep on the couch separate.  Somewhere during the day I'd either overheard someone talk about couch beds or I'd just figured out that some of the couches had to be pull outs.  So I told Talia, "hey, I think the couch turns into a bed."  She pulled the cushions off and found that it did pull out.  

There were extra sheets and pillows on the TV stand.  But there wasn't a blanket.  I went downstairs and asked if anyone knew where extra blankets were.  One of the kitchen ladies said she'd seen some in a closet by the front door.  So I found that and there were about 6 blankets in there.  I brought one back for Talia. 

She climbed in bed and I kept sitting on the couch.  We talked like that for about 10 minutes until she said, "Hey, I'm fine if you just get in bed with me."  And I was like, "I was going to ask if that was okay."

So I climbed in bed and we kept talking. She had some crazy health lights that she let me try out.  One was for my head, another for my throat, and another for my stomach. I'm not sure if they did anything, but they were fun to try. 

I told Talia about my realization that I needed to make things right with the Young Women leaders in my ward.  She's a life coach type person and so she started doing some sort of guided thought process regarding my relationship with them.  We worked out words to say I'm sorry and to let them know I appreciated them.   

I was like half asleep at this point so I'm not sure exactly what we talked about, but it was such a wonderful experience. 

Then she prayed for us.  She remembered our conversation from way back that morning. She said something like, "bless Valerie that she will have peace around the fact that she hasn't had the opportunities for leadership that she desires.  Help her know that you love her anyway."

Again I don't remember much, but it was just all so kind and loving.  

I'd kind of planned to get up and go to my own bed at some point but I ended up just falling asleep next to Talia. We said it was interesting how it felt like we were sisters and not strangers.  

When we met while sharing a sink that morning I'd had no idea we'd end up sharing a bed and talking until 1:00 AM that night. It was a lesson about how quickly you can bond with someone. 

I woke up around 7:00 and felt like it was time to text the Young Women's president. I'd planned to maybe talk to her in person. But this felt like something that needed to be resolved before I participated in any more sessions.  

So I wrote her a text and actually used the phrase "I'm sorry."  Do you know how rarely I say those words to people outside my family?  This was a huge growth moment for me. 

I told her I wanted to be helpful in any way I could. And I said a lot of other things too. 

She replied back later. It was a kind text too. 

I was so happy to have that rock out of my heart.  But I was also a little curious what other realizations I'd have on this retreat.  Because we still had another FULL day. 

AND I think we'll stop there for now.  I'll tell you all about Saturday in another post.

Thanks for reading. 

Women's Retreat: Getting there and Day One

My last post ended right before I went to a leadership retreat at Bear Lake. This post is going to be ALL about that retreat. And I'm going to warn you right now that it's going to be a LONG one. So get comfy and settle in. 

First a few things to keep in mind.  (Especially if this is your first time visiting this blog.)

1. This is basically my journal. It's raw and barely edited. There will be typos. I used to say that typos represented any time I was interrupted by my kids. But I'm writing this in an empty house and there are still typos. It's just a fact of this blog.  If I tried to make this blog perfect I would have stopped writing in it in 2009.

2. But a lot of my experiences on this retreat are still feeling a little tender and shiny and precious. I'm not sure I'm ready to lay them ALL out for you here.  This post might end up being more of a play by play of "we went here and did this and then went here and did that." But trust me there was a lot of emotion happening at this retreat. This is one of the rare cases where I do have a hand written journal of what happened. That journal has more of the feelings of the retreat while this blog will be more of the run down of events.  

3. This is my retreat experience. But it's wrapped up in a lot of other women's experiences too. We shared a lot of deep things with each other. I'm going to walk the line of being brave enough to tell my story while being kind enough to keep other people's stories private.  

Okay, with all that in mind let's get GOING!!!!!!!

Back Story

This retreat grew out of a podcast.  The podcast is called Leading Saints. The idea behind the podcast is to help leaders in the LDS church have resources to develop into leaders.  Their tag line is Be a Leader Not a Calling. 

I started listening to the podcast sometime while we lived in Pocatello.  Maybe as early as Fall of 2017. Definitely by 2019.

I listened to a lot of episodes during the summer of 2019 and I kept having this feeling like there was something BIG I was being prepared for. I thought, "Oh, maybe when I move to Twin Falls I will get a leadership calling in my new ward. All these podcast episodes will be so useful then."

But when we moved I didn't get any calling. Like at all. We moved to Twin Falls in 2019 and I didn't get a calling until the Fall of 2021. 

And the calling I did get was the one I ALWAYS get. Relief Society Activities Committee Member. I love this calling.  I've served in various versions of it since I was in college. (Back when it was Enrichment Committee Member.) But this time around things have felt a little different. There's so much I want to do with the calling, but there haven't been a lot of opportunities to do those things.  It's kind of felt like a dead end. 

Of course, me being me, I didn't just wait around for a church calling.  I've been doing LOTS of other stuff.  An Autism Support Group, PTO, Slide shows for the Magic Valley Symphony, writing for East Idaho Moms, hanging out with a Bible Study Group.  There have been a lot of things I've felt called to do and have done. I didn't need a church calling to validate my sense of self. 

And yet I kind of did. 

Like a church calling comes from God (in theory, I've often ended up on the RS Activity committee because I just told people that's where I like to serve). If I got a calling - especially a "big" calling it would be like God telling me, "Hey I see you, I know you, and I trust you."  And who wouldn't want that? 

So I've often been left wondering, "Why don't I have a big calling?  Why haven't I ever had a big calling? I have an innate gift for leadership coupled with a desire for leadership. Why hasn't God done anything with that?"

And then other questions creep in. "Is there something wrong with me that is preventing me from getting a calling?  Am I too headstrong? Too vocal about my doubts? Overqualified?" 

And those thoughts hurt. 

Over time I stopped listening to Leading Saints as much. It was just too hard to listen to these amazing leaders and get so many ideas to then feel like, "Well I can't do anything with this."

But at some point I subscribed to the Leading Saints newsletter. It was easier to read a little 5 minute newsletter that I could skim through. 

The newsletter always has some thought provoking idea that I like to read and then think about. So even though I don't listen to the podcast much any more I do read the newsletter every time I get it.  

And that's how I started getting emails from the leading Saints Founder, Kurt Francom, about a Women's Retreat. 

The first one came on July 7th. It was titled, Women who desire more Influence in Zion and read:

"As I monitor the audience demographics of Leading Saints, it is actually women who dominate the audience.

 
There are probably a variety of reason for this, but the most important reason very likely would be a deep desire among Latter-day Saint women to lead and have an influence even if they do not have a formal leadership calling.

 
The are few (if any) gatherings or experiences women can have where space is created to seek further inspiration and direction related to their own personal leadership mission."

He went on to talk about how Leading Saints was putting together a retreat. I was like, "they are right. I'm one of those women who wants more influence, but I don't have a calling. That retreat will be awesome for the women who attend." 

Out of curiosity I clicked on the link to get more information about the retreat. It would be at Bear Lake.  It would be from Thursday September 15th to Sunday the 18th. All meals would be provided. Some of the speakers were some of my favorite podcast guests. The whole thing looked amazing.  

But the cost for even the least expensive bunk bed rooms was way more than I was prepared to shell out for an event happening in a few months. I thought, "other people will benefit from this way more than me anyway." 

There was another email on July 8th titled, "Why do women dominate the leading saint's audience." I read that one and it further intrigued me. But I still wasn't sure I should go. 

It was the third email on July 11th that cemented the fact that I wanted to be at this retreat. This was titled Women Who Are Unsettled With Their Leadership Role It read:

"Maybe you have a church calling related to leadership.

Maybe you are a PTA president or sit on the board for a local women's group.

Or maybe you aren't serving in your community or church in any official calling.

The concept of a "calling" is understood differently for a Latter-day Saint woman than someone outside our faith tradition.

It's become more of an assignment and duty rather than a soul-feeding purpose in mortality.

As we put together this women's retreat, we aren't trying to impress potential attendees with descriptions of famous speakers, pedicure time, or yoga instruction.

When all is said and done, we simply want 60 women who feel deeply called to take the next step in their personal leadership and they feel this retreat is an opportunity to disconnect and seek further direction from above.

Maybe some of the attendees will have no idea why they even signed up other than the fact that they feel nudging beyond mortality that is encouraging them to be there.

If we get women who are leaning in, ready to uncover their deeper leadership calling (not necessarily a church calling) then this retreat will be a wonderful success.

Will it be a phenomenal resource for those with official church callings like Relief Society presidency or Young Women presidency?

Yes!

But we simply want those who feel called to be there.

And I felt called to be there. I knew this was going to be a place I wanted to be.  Not only that, it was going to be filled with women like me. Women who had a deep leadership calling. I wanted to meet those women. 

So I went to the website and filled out the scholarship application. Cost was still a factor in all this. The basic room was over $800 and was still more than I felt comfortable paying for. I explained in my application that I had four children still at home and I only worked part time. I couldn't justify spending so much of our family budget on this retreat. 

I figured I might as well try for a scholarship. If I got it then that was proof that I should be at this retreat. If not, well maybe I'd find the money somehow or I could start saving for next year. 

The scholarship process took some time.  There was the initial application and then some follow up questions a little while later.  One of the follow up questions was how much would you be able to pay. I wrote down $200. 

The lady in charge of the retreat is named Karri. She emailed me on August 3rd and let me know that thanks to donations they were able to offer me a half scholarship for $450.  I debated taking that scholarship, but it still felt too high. (There were back to school costs looming on the horizon.)  So I politely declined.  I thought, "we'll that's that. Maybe I'll try to save up for next year."

And I moved on.

But not quite a week later on August 9th I received another email from Karri. It read, 

I hope this comes as some good news to you….

We’ve had another private donor say they’d cover the additional $250 to allow you to come to the retreat.

So if you are still interested and able to pay $200 to attend let me know and I’ll get you the link to register. I’d soooo love to see you there at the retreat.

I jumped on that. 

And in a really cool coincidence I had exactly $200 that I was trying to figure out what to do with. My graduation party had been that Saturday. Two guests had given me gifts of $100. (Yeah, totally unexpected, but very appreciated.) I'd been thinking I'd use the money to add plants and bushes to the side yard. But now I knew exactly what that money was for. 

So I registered for the retreat and then spent the next few weeks in a state of quiet anticipation. 

I had high expectations for this retreat. I'd been to a retreat with my Bible Study group back in March. That retreat had been for only one night, but it had been FABOULOUS. So to go on a three night retreat, in Bear Lake (which is one of my favorite places on Earth), and have it be all about LEADERSHIP was a recipe for something truly special. 

Plus Fiona Givens and DeAnna Murphy were on the list of speakers.  Like how could this NOT be amazing. 

Thursday

The funny thing is that on Thursday I wasn't feeling very much excitement. It just didn't seem real that this was the day I was going. I didn't even pack until Thursday morning. And then I had to go to work for a few hours.  I was like, "I know I'm going to do this thing, but right now everything just feels routine."

At 12:30 I clocked out of work. I'd already put my suitcase in the car and filled up on gas.  So there was nothing left to do but start driving.  

The retreat was in Garden City, Utah. I had two options for how to get there. 

Option 1. Was drive down to Tremonton, go through Logan, and then drive up the canyon to Bear Lake. Pros for this route were that Logan Canyon would be pretty. Cons were that I'd have to make the drive from Tremonton to Burley through "No mans land" that is super boring while also being slightly nerve wracking.  That's also where Brandon and the jeep broke down just one week earlier and that didn't do this route any favors in my mind. 

Option 2 was slightly longer.  It involved driving to Pocatello then down through Lava Hot Springs and Soda Springs. Then I'd drive south to Bear Lake.  This route was longer, but I liked that I'd be driving through more populated areas. Plus the scenery would be beautiful. 

So I decided to go the Pocatello way. 

It's been almost a year since I've been to Pocatello so this way was more interesting. I stopped and got a burger and fries at Wendy's in Chubbuck.  I wasn't going to get a soda, but I hadn't slept well the night before and I was starting to get tired. So I also ordered a Dr Pepper. 

I was pretty happy as I cruised along I-15, eating a hamburger and drinking Dr Pepper. I was thinking about how nice it was to travel through Pocatello again.  I really loved living there.  Those were some important years.  And I thought about how I was going to drive through other places I liked, Lava Hot Springs, Soda Springs, and then end up in at BEAR LAKE.  This was like a tour of some pretty fun memories.  And I realized that it was all leading to a new experience that was going to give me more memories. That was fun to think about. 

The last 30 or so minutes of the drive felt long. It seemed to take forever to finally see Bear Lake and then I had to drive down the whole west shore.  I was pretty happy when I finally made it to the retreat location. 

We were at a vacation rental community called Water Dance. It's pretty new in Garden City. It was a few blocks away from the beach. There are vacation homes of all sizes and we had the biggest one on the property.  It was this HUGE house. I still can't wrap my head around how huge it was. 

I was a little unsure of where to go, but I saw that the main garage was open with a table set up at it.  There were people all around that area. So I left my suitcase in the car and walked over there. All the sudden this was REAL.  There was Karri! There was Kurt! There were the other women.  The ones like me. This was all so exciting.

Kurt's wife, Alanna, checked me it and told me where my room was.  I was in 5A. I went in to find my room.  At one point I was directed to "use the staircase behind the fridge."  Like that's a normal thing people say. 

Here's my room. The room had two bunk beds. At the time I didn't meet my roommates. But I'll tell you about them now. My roommates were Jenny from Florida, Rachel from Rexburg, and Salina from St Louis. Of the three, I bonded the most with Salina.  When I asked her why she'd come she said, "Well I wanted to meet women who were doing things. I don't have a lot of adult women mentors- especially at church."  

I picked the top bunk.  I went and got my suitcase and put it in my room.  Then I went to explore. 

 

There were women EVERYWHERE.  It was actually a little intimidating.  I didn't know how to just go up to a group and be like, "Hey, can I sit here?"  And I'd just had a long drive anyway so I didn't really want to sit.  I was more interested in this incredible house.  So while everyone was talking I did a quick walk around.

The house was divided into three sections.  A, B, and C. The B section was the heart of the house. It had the largest living room and dining room areas.  It had a three story slide, a game room, and a play house. I think it also had another kitchen area on the second floor.

This is the dining room in B.

The A and C sections were mirror images of each other. They each had a second living room on the second floor. Here's the second living room in A. 

Here it is from a different angle. That's my bunk bed in the open door.  There were 5 bedrooms up here.  Two were bunk bed rooms.  And three were rooms with double beds.  There were three bathrooms up here too. 

This is A from the outside. My room is the upstairs one by the pine tree. 

A was where the "prep" kitchen was.  There was a whole team of ladies in the kitchen getting food ready.  I always liked that the prep kitchen was in my building.  It was like a sneak peak into every meal. (And a reminder how awesome it was that I didn't have to do any cooking this week.)

After exploring inside the house I went out back.  There were ladies EVERYWHERE out here too. Again, I just couldn't figure out how to jump into a conversation. So I kept exploring. 

I walked over and took a look at the pool. 

There were other vacation homes by the pool. In fact, some people with the retreat were staying in these buildings too.  There had been such a demand for the single rooms that some people had single rooms over here. 

And here's a very washed out picture of the back of the house. 

I ran out of things to explore so I tried to find a seat.  I found that I was the most intimated by the women who looked my age.  They just seemed TOO cool. Fortunately a nice lady named Jennifer saw me and said, "Would you like to sit here?"  So I ended up in a group of slightly older ladies. And that felt really comfortable to me. I thought about it later and I realized it's because that's who I've always worked with professionally. Women who are older than me. So of course that's who I'd want to sit with first. 

We chatted and I met a lady named Jacki who had lived in Twin Falls for several years.  In fact, her kids went to the same elementary school that mine do.  What a small world. That helped me feel a little more comfortable. 

At 5:00 Kurt Francom brought out a sound system and everyone gathered on the patio. He talked for a moment about how this all started. I've heard the story before, but it was so cool to hear it in person. 

Basically the story is that he was in church leadership positions in his 20s that he didn't feel prepared for. He kept wishing that there was some resource he could turn to in order to get information on how to lead better. Eventually he realized that he had to create that resource.  

So he started a blog. After a while he started the podcast. That grew to be an official Non-Profit Organization. And now they were starting to hold retreats. 

When he and his team had discussed the make up of the first retreat they looked at the demographics of the audience and realized it should be a retreat for women. 

Kurt brought up his wife Alanna and thanked her for her support and for keeping the kids quiet when he records. I called out, "I've never heard them." Everyone laughed and Kurt said, "Well I have a good editor."

Kurt introduced Karri Stoker who had been brought on to plan the retreat. Karri talked about how they'd told her to maybe plan for 15-20 women.  She'd said, "no, we are going to have 100."  And they'd settled on 60 - with the option to expand up to 100 if needed. 

She looked at all of us and said, "And you are the women. The women I envisioned. The women I knew would come."

That gave me chills.

Karri introduced Dan Duckworth.  He's a leadership consultant that joined Leading Saints a few years ago.  I've liked his episodes of the podcast and even followed his individual newsletter for a while. He explained that this was going to be a bit of a disruptive experience.  That it wasn't going to be like what you'd expect from a normal LDS training experience. It was going to get us a little out of our comfort zones so we could start thinking in new ways. 

Then someone said it was time to eat.  They explained that tonight we could just sit down and the food would be brought to us.  I said to the ladies around me, "Wow, this isn't like a typical LDS event."  They laughed. 

I sat in the big dining room. I was still with the ladies I'd sat with earlier. We had a good time talking. They were Young Women Presidents, and Stake Relief Society Presidents, and other callings. It was so good to hear them share stories.  

After dinner we were directed to go to the Activity Building next to the swimming pool.  There was a large pickleball court on the top floor and we went up there.  

I walked over with two ladies. I couldn't quite see their name tags while I was walking next to them. But one of them said something like, "I'm DeAnna." I immediately turned into a fan girl. I was like, "DeAnna!  I love when you are on the podcast. What you said about people and puzzle pieces changed my life!"

I'm pretty certain I came on really strong, but I couldn't believe I had just met DeAnna Murphy.  Back during the early days of the pandemic I'd listened to a podcast with her. I'd been digging out my garden and binging podcasts. But something she said stopped me for a minute and I've never forgot it. 

She's talked about how we all have puzzle pieces. We have to be willing to put down our puzzle piece because it might be the piece that someone needs to see in order to know where their puzzle piece connects. When we went back to church I had a greater desire to show up as my authentic self. I started commenting about hard things more often and I started wearing pants. I don't know if anyone has ever found that our pieces connect. But I hope it's happened. 

I knew DeAnna would be at the conference, but I hadn't expected to meet her while just casually walking.

Another surprise came almost immediately. I stood next to a lady who wasn't wearing a name tag. I asked her name and she said in a lovely British Accent. "Oh I'm Fiona."

I didn't fan girl as hard at meeting Fiona Givens, but I still was thinking, "WHAT??????? I'M STANDING NEXT TO FIONA GIVENS!!!!!!"  

This lady is a powerhouse in LDS theology. She and her husband Terrell have written many books like "The Crucible of Doubt" and "All Things New." I've listened to many podcasts with her as a guest, but I haven't read any of the books - yet.

And there I was, just standing next to her listening to her joke about how she'd already misplaced her nametag.  

Karri told the group that she'd ask us a few questions and give us three options for answers.  She said one area was for answer A, one was for B, and the other was for C.  We should move to the area where we felt our answer was. 

The questions were simple things like which Jane Austen character do you identify with? A. Jane, B. Lizzie, or C. Mary? 

This was an easy way to get us moving around and standing near new people. 

After the 11th question Karri directed our groups to go downstairs to the conference room and take a seat. I was in the group she sent down first so I ended up on the second row. 

 

There was a notebook with a pink leather cover and Leading Saints Embossed on the front.  I'm not much of a note taker at church, but I definitely planned to take notes during this conference.  So the notebook was well used. 

I chatted with the lady next to me.  She was close to my age and I was a little intimidated by her.  But almost immediately I realized I didn't need to be scared of the girls my age. We were talking about our kids and she said "I have an 8 year old, but I'm just saying she's 9 because her birthday is next Saturday."  And I was like, "Wait, MY 8 year old girl's birthday is next Saturday too."  It was like I was being told. "Stop being scared of these ladies.  They are just like you."

A lady named Melanie got up and explained that she was going to be in charge of our worship music.  She runs a non-denomination retreat for women and she loves to expose LDS women to Christian Worship Music. She said, "there's always a bit of a deer in the headlights look on LDS women during the first song.  But you'll get used to it."

I was cool with the music, but something Melanie said made me pause.  Her retreat was called "Heart of a Women."  Years ago I'd listened to a Leading Saints Episode where Kurt had interviewed three women about Heart of a Women. And one of those women had said something that had stayed with me ever since. I made a mental note to get some one on one time with Melanie and find out if she was that woman. 

We all stood and sang along with a song that played over the loud speaker.  We had a projector that had a music video and words on the screen.  That made it easy to sing along.  This is what we did for every song the rest of the retreat.  We didn't sing a single "LDS" song the whole week. (This was the kind of stuff they were doing to get us out of our usual comfort zones and thinking about things in new ways.)

Our speaker for the evening was none other than Fiona Givens. The theme for the conference was about Building Zion.  Fiona talked about that and included many topics like Women and the Priesthood (evidence for women holding priesthood offices exists in the early Christian church and in some statements made by Joseph Smith.) She talked about how our baptismal covenants tie to members of the God Head.  And some great stuff about Moses Chapter 7 and Zion.

She was a power house. 

Then we had a little question and answer session where she gave fabulous insight. One question was "What should we do in our sphere of influence?" Her answer was "Do what you think you can do." (I know that sounds simple, but coming from Fiona with her British accent it was profound.)

Dan Duckworth got up and talked to us about some leadership principles. 

Then Karri did announcements.  She said there would be 7:00 AM yoga and 7:00 AM high/low fitness.  I asked, "Um for those of us who are sleeping in, what time is breakfast?"  Everyone laughed.  I was starting to get the reputation as the one who will blurt out stuff. (Which is, for better or worse, my authentic self.)

Karri said breakfast would be at 8:30. 

And with that we were released for the evening. I changed into pajamas (and finally met my roommates) and then went down to sit around one of the fire pits.  

The kitchen staff had a tray laid out with every possible smore ingredient on it.  I had fun testing out a kit-kat smore. 

I was reminded of my desire to get to know other women at this retreat. So I started asking the lady next to me about why she was there. She would say things and then add, "Oh that's probably too much information."  And I'd say things like, "Oh no, I want to know ALL about it."  Soon other people were listening to her story and asking questions.  We all learned a ton of new things.  I'm so glad I followed my impulse to ask her questions. 

I started to form two unofficial goals for interacting with people at the retreat.  

1. Sit by as many different people as possible. 

2. Ask them questions. Share stuff about myself, but mostly ask other people about themselves. 

These turned out to be two very rewarding goals. 

Activity around that first fire started to die down so I moved over to the second fire. This one was more of a "silly" fire.  We laughed a lot and probably annoyed anyone who was trying to sleep.  (Although the house was sound proofed really well so maybe it was okay.)

I'm trying to remember what time we went inside. Maybe it was around 11:00?  I'm not sure.  I do know that I was really worried about how well I'd sleep that night. I hadn't had a good nights sleep all week. At home that had been a weakness, but here it kind of felt like a super power. 

So instead of going upstairs and trying to go to bed I went into the kitchen and joined another conversation. That one had various participants. I was starting to wind down so I was more of an observer at this point. 

Around 12:00 I decided it was time to try to fall asleep. So I went upstairs and quietly crept into my room where all three of my roommates were already in bed. 

I slept until about 1:00.  Then a huge thunderstorm woke me up. I couldn't get back to sleep.  I didn't want to toss and turn and bother the girl on the bottom bunk so I went out into the living room.  I sat on the couch and looked out the window.  There was a huge stream of water shooting off the rain gutter on the roof. The lights from the parking lot - or maybe the moon - made the water shine.  It was like a really shinny waterfall. I stared at that for a long time and then eventually fell asleep on a pile of couch cushions. 

I woke up again around 4:00 and went back to my bed.  I slept there until about 7:00.  See I knew I wasn't going to make it to Yoga that morning. 

ANNNDDDD I think that's a good stopping place. 

I was planning to write about the whole retreat in one post.  But I think we are all needing a break at this point.  So I'm going to go ahead and publish this and then we'll talk about Days 2-5 in another post (or posts.)

Thanks for reading.