Many people ask me how I handle the times when Brandon has to be gone for an extended amount of time. I get comments like, "when my husband is gone for a night I can hardly stand it. How did you handle 3 1/2 months without Brandon?"
Usually I just kind of shrug and say something profound like, "I don't know." But I've been thinking about it and I've come up with some things that help.
Before the Separation
Be committed to the cause:
There are a lot of reasons your spouse may need to be away from the family. It could be a business trip, scout camp/girls camp, a thesis paper, an emergency with extended family, training for work, a military assignment, etc. No matter what the reason is, you both need to understand why your spouse is going to be gone. And you need to understand that this is the best decision you can make under the circumstances.
Do I love it when Brandon is gone? No! But I understand that this is what needs to happen. This is his job. He is earning money for our family. And if he needs to be gone so our bills can be paid and we can eat, well then I'm okay with the fact that he is gone.
Communication
Talk openly with each other about what you expect the separation to be like. How often will you get to communicate, and in what form? What things need to happen during the time apart? Make sure you also talk to your kids about what is going to happen and why.
I like to show the girls my calender. Before Brandon leaves I show them the day that he will leave and how long he will be gone. I also make sure I let them know what day he will be back.
Enjoy the time you are together
Having a husband that will be leaving for an extended amount of time is a pretty big incentive to finally do the things you have always talked about doing.
One of my favorite things that Brandon and I did before he went to basic training was go to see Nickelback in concert. We'd we'd wanted to see them every summer, but we'd always talked ourselves out of it saying "next summer." We realized that this time we had no idea where we would be living the next summer or if we'd even be together. So we finally went to see Nickleback and had a great time.
Build a support system
Even if you plan to be apart for only a couple of days you will still want to have a list of people who can help you out if needed.
Before joining the Army Brandon spent quite a bit of time trying to get a job with the FAA. If that had panned out he would have had to go to 3 months of training in Oklahoma - and I would have stayed behind with the kids. We spent a lot of time discussing what I would do when that happened. We decided that the kids and I would most likely continue to live on our own in Bountiful. That was the best situation because we had great neighbors and our apartment was centrally located between family members.
Priesthood blessings
This is a religious thing, but one of the beliefs of the LDS church is that fathers can give priesthood blessings to their family members. Before any long separation Brandon always makes sure to give us all blessings. I feel like the blessings help the kids understand that Daddy loves them even though he is going away for a little while. The blessings also help me feel calm.
During
Trust each other to make good decisions
You are both adults. Trust each other to make correct decisions. And back each other up no matter what. Of course Brandon and I like to make decisions together, but when he is gone that sometimes isn't an option. During most of basic training our conversations were limited to letters and sporadic 10 minute phone calls. Brandon often told me that he backed me completely in any decision I made.
Trust each other to stay faithful
I am so glad that Brandon and I don't have to worry about if the other person is going to stay faithful during the separation. We both honor our marriage covenants and so I never wonder if Brandon is out with another woman, and he doesn't have to worry about me having guys over. We often say that as crazy as my pregnancy with Baby D is, at least we don't have to wonder who is the father.
You can still be intimate even across the miles
Um, I'll try to be discrete with this one. Just because you are separated physically doesn't mean you aren't married anymore. Send letters and texts that are "for your eyes only."
Celebrate Holidays and Birthdays in your own way
When Brandon and I were dating he wanted to make sure I knew what I would be getting into by marrying a pilot. He asked if I was okay with a lifestyle where he wouldn't be home for every birthday and holidays. I told him I was just fine with it, and that we could just celebrate on different days and in different ways.
It's a good thing I'm fine with it because Brandon has managed to miss Halloween, Thanksgiving, the girls' birthday, his own birthday, my birthday, Mother's Day, and our anniversary. But for each of the things he missed being there for physically he made sure we knew he was thinking about us. He sent birthday letters to the girls, and flowers to me for our anniversary. I made sure that we still had a cake for Brandon's birthday so the kids could know it was his birthday even though he wasn't there.
Pictures/Video
We took family pictures a few weeks before Brandon left for basic training. I made sure that he had copies of the pictures for his wallet. He was able to look at the pictures and remember us. He told me that he kissed my picture every night before bed.
I gave the each of the kids a framed picture of them with their Daddy. I made sure the pictures were accessible to the kids. They could look at the pictures and hold them whenever they wanted. Some nights they even slept with the pictures.
The kids also loved watching our wedding video. They called it the "Daddy Movie" I think the video helped remind them that Daddy and I were married and so Daddy wasn't going to be away forever.
Because they liked the wedding videos so much I made them a little slide show of pictures of Daddy with them. I put it on a DVD so they could watch it on the TV instead of the computer. I'm glad I did because they loved watching it over and over and over again.
Talk about feelings
It gets hard without Brandon around. There are times I get really grumpy with the kids. During JRTC there was one day in particular where I was not in a good mood. I finally just sat on the floor and said, "I'm sorry, I miss Daddy." And Charlotte said, "I miss Daddy too." That little exchange made me feel so much better.
When Brandon got stuck in in-processing limbo and almost didn't come home for Christmas we were each trying to be the strong one, but we were both dying inside. Finally we had a text message conversation where we both admitted how frustrating the situation was and how sad we were about it. Nothing about our situation had changed by the end of our conversation, yet just by acknowledging our feelings we felt a lot better.
Use your support system
On one of the first Saturdays after Brandon left for basic training I realized I probably didn't have enough baby formula to get through Sunday. The kids were in bed and I'd already changed into pajamas. We'd had a busy day and I didn't like the idea of getting them up to go to the store. (I also had never taken all three of them grocery shopping before and had no desire to try it out that night.) I sent out a few text messages to my neighbors to see if any of them were going to the store anytime that night. My friend Steffani responded and picked up a can on formula for me.
Don't watch scary movies
I'm not scared of the dark, and I want to stay that way. I've always avoided watching horror movies because I don't want to learn about things that I should be afraid of. I feel perfectly safe alone in my home.
Now that Brandon is in the Army I've sworn off war movies too.
Pace Yourself
Without another parent around you have to be on call for your kids 24/7. That means you have to make sure you have energy to respond to them. Make sure you don't use up all your energy by trying to do to much too fast.
When Brandon went to basic training I had a laughably long list of projects and things I wanted to accomplish while he was gone. I soon discovered that by the time I got the kids down for nap/bedtime all I wanted to do was sleep. And that was fine.
I highly recommend reading this blog post titled 21 Tips for Survival Mode. The blog author, Jennifer Fulwiler, wrote it about how to survive having lots of small children. I think it also applies to living without your spouse (while having small children.)
Fill up evening and weekends
I was completely caught off guard by how lonely I felt on evenings and weekends. During weekdays I could easily pretend that Brandon was just at work. But the times that he would usually be home seemed really empty. I started making sure that we always had plans to be away from home on Saturdays. I would say yes to ANY invitation to do something on a Saturday. I also started filling our evenings with things to do. This is where our weekly movie night tradition started.
When Brandon is gone for overnight training we always build a tent in the living room and play in that for several hours. Then the girls and I sleep in it. It's getting to the point that the girls get excited when their hear that "Daddy's training" because they know we will build a tent.
Be prepared for small emergencies
I'm not as good at this as I used to be, but when Brandon is gone for a long time I make sure our first aid kit is stocked. The last thing I want to do is take three sick kids to the store to buy medicine.
After
Celebrate that you are back together
Anytime Brandon is gone the kids and I talk about things that we will do when Daddy comes home. After he came home from JRTC we went out for ice cream at McDonald's. We also went to the store and picked out donuts like I had promised.
Communication
Talk about what the time apart was really like for each of you. Make sure you talk about anything that was extra hard. Don't try to hide things just because you don't want your spouse to feel bad. Perhaps the two of you can figure out a way to avoid it in the future. At the very least you'll feel better once you've talked about it.
Brandon's month at NTC was awful for both of us in so many ways. I had to wait almost 3 weeks before our stuff finally showed up. And he was freezing in the desert. The worst part was the 16 days that he was "in the box" and we couldn't talk at all. (Remember that's when I found out I was pregnant with Baby D.) When Brandon finally came home we spent a lot of time telling each other all the things we'd had to go through and how we felt about each of them. It was nice to have someone to commiserate with.
Remember what you like to do together
When things finally calmed down after NTC both of us were surprised to find out that we had to remember what it was like to be living together on a daily basis. We'd been on our own for almost 5 months. We'd grown accustomed to communicating through hurried telephone conversations and 160 character text messages. We had to re-learn what we liked to do together.
Remember to take time for yourself
I also had to learn that it was okay to leave the kids and take time for myself. When Brandon is gone I get used to responding to the kids' needs. By the time he comes home again I forget that I need to have time to myself.
Recently I learned that I really enjoy going on a walk by myself every evening. I help Brandon get the kids in bed and then I head out the door. The walk really helps me calm down after a stressful day.
When Noel is away, I think of you and feel inspired :)
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