Inspiration: Save the Relationship

Years ago when I was still in high school I read, "Glimpses into the life and heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley." I loved the book so much that I bought the book as a present for myself on my 21st birthday.  Today I want to share some parenting advise from the book that I think about all the time.

The book is made up of stories and recollections of Sister Hinckley's family members.  This one is told by her daughter-in-law Kathleen.

In my early years of motherhood, I would call my mother-in-law any time I needed some advise about the dilemmas of child rearing.  She would listen with compassion and without criticism.  Even though I was thousands of miles away, she could relate exactly.

  . . . the concern was about swimming lessons.  All the mothers were tossing their reluctant, screaming children into the teacher's outstretched arms in the pool.  I just could not bring myself to do the same, but I did want my son to learn to swim.  When I called her for advise, she verbalized something I would say over and over to myself for years to come, "Just save the relationship."  I believe those words are the most simple and powerful parenting principle I have ever learned.  Long before she verbalized this principle to me, I had seen her as a living example of it.  

I first became acquainted with the Hinckley family in Boston.  Clark, to whom I was about to become engaged, was graduating from business school in a few weeks, and several members of the family gathered in Boston to attend his graduation on June 12, 1973.

One hot, muggy day I was with the extended family on the subway speeding toward downtown Boston from Cambridge when we realized that Clark's two year old nephew had stripped to his diapers.  Without missing a beat in the conversation, Grandma dressed him.  Before anyone knew it, he had taken his clothes off.  She put them on and then they were off again!  Giggling, Clark's mother said, "It's just too hot for clothes," and the happy two year old spent the day sightseeing in diapers.  It was my first introduction to the Hinckley way of allowing each family member, whenever possible, to be himself.  I was being taught that even two year olds have feelings that are important and respected.  

A couple years later, that same little boy did not have any desire to be in the family photograph.  Every encouraging antic was preformed in hopes of enticing the reluctant child to line up with the family.  After all, we were gathered in Salt Lake from all over the world - Hawaii to New York - and no one knew when we would be together again for such an opportunity.  However, I remember the amazement I felt when the prevailing attitude in Grandma's living room that afternoon was that it was no big deal.  Nobody got really tense, and sooner or later - I don't remember exactly how - the picture was taken and we were all in it.  

In the meantime all the relationships were saved.

 I'm by no means perfect at this, but I try all the time.  When I'm tempted to get mad at the kids for some minor infraction I try to see things from their point of view.  A lot of times they are just playing and exploring the world.