First day of Pre-school

All my babies started pre-school today.  Okay technically it is hourly care at the CDC (Child Development Center not to be confused with the Centers for Disease Control.)  But I call it pre-school so I don't feel like I signed my kids up for day care.  To avoid putting our kids in day care was one of the reasons Brandon joined the Army.   

The kids were all zoned out watching Shrek when I took this picture.  They were a lot happier about pre-school than they look. 

Since Brandon is deployed we qualify for 16 free hours of care per child every month.  At first I was intimidated by the mountain of paperwork and all the doctors appointments needed to get the kids signed up.  But then Sister Coombs convinced me it would be worth it.  She offered to help in whatever way I needed in order to get the kids signed up.  So I went to work on that process.  It took forever (really only about a month total), but I got through it all.

And then I had to conform to a bunch of rules.  I almost gave up all over again when I read about the rules.  I had to have a bag for each kid.  The bags had to have a one diaper or pull up for every hour each child would spend in hourly care. I had to include wipes too.  The bags had to have a change of clothes -including extra socks.  Veronica's bag had to have clean bottles - with lids.  The kids had to wear close toed shoes.  For someone who is used to running around barefoot with her kids all day this was a lot of structure.  This was a lot more structure than I've had to deal with in a long time.

But I persevered and got everything together. I even found eight pairs of socks.

I dropped them off at 10:00 today.  I felt really weird as I left the CDC building.  I've left the kids before, but usually it's with neighbors.  This was the first time they've gone to a school type environment.  

 I felt like a mom with quadruplets who all started school on the same day.  I felt really lost.  I kind of felt like I didn't have a point anymore.

I went grocery shopping and bought lots and lots and lots of food. It was nice to fill up the cart. Usually Veronica's car seat takes up most of the room in the cart.  I thought it would be nice to walk down the aisles without telling Charlotte and Lydia to keep up.  But I realized that I missed them.  I bought a lot of food that the kids usually ask for, like pickles and hot chocolate. I couldn't wait to hear Charlotte say, "you buy this?" 

I worried that the kids missed me. I worried that they didn't miss me. I worried that they didn't get along with their teachers. I worried that I didn't pack them the right stuff.

I realized that I felt like a terrible mom.  Like somehow I was a failure for not being able to meet all of my children's needs all the time.  That sending them to pre-school - even for 3 hours a week - was a sign of weakness.  Then I realized that I felt the same way when I decided to quit nursing the girls after 6 months.  And I remembered that I did that not because I was a bad mom, but because I wanted to be a better mom.  That was why I put the kids in pre-school so I could have a break and recharge my batteries and be a better mom.  

I felt better after that realization, but I still felt really lost without my kids.  I went home and put away all the groceries.  It was nice to do that without four hungry, little people underfoot.  I'd bought myself some dark chocolate to make myself feel better.  I ate that and thought about how I usually eat chocolate when I'm sick of my kids.  It felt really ironic to eat chocolate because I missed being with them.

Finally it was five minutes to 1:00 and I could go pick them up.  We were all so happy to see each other. They had all had a great time and had been just fine while I was gone.  

They ate lunch at pre-school so we were able to come home and start having fun together.  We had a big tickle fight.  We went on a long walk to the far away "tire swing park."  I made a big dinner.  I didn't yell even once while getting them ready for bed.  

I know that getting a break every week is a good thing.  I'm a good mom because I know that it's okay to take a break.