This is the part where I write about how I can't believe I'm so far behind on this blog.
It's been two weeks since VBS ended and it feels like its been two months. We've done a ton in those two weeks. Brandon took the girls fishing, Brandon went to scout camp, I had an anxiety attack, we went to the zoo, we went camping for three nights. we went swimming at four different beaches, we went swimming at the neighborhood pool, and all four kids went to the dentist (with no cavities!)
Seriously we've been busy.
But that's only part of the story.
We've also been really bored.
Bored Bored Bored Bored Bored
Like the kids watch the movies Home and Ice Age 3 at least once a day. (Usually multiple times a day) or they'll spend an afternoon binge watching Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood or Special Agent Oso.
Or I spend hours scrolling through Facebook thinking about how I should be spending that time working on my travel blog. (But as soon as I sit down to do real work all heck breaks loose.)
I'm not sure how to fix that dichotomy. Is it something that needs fixing? Or is that just how summer is?
So anyway, I have a lot to write about. But as you read this update and the posts that follow about the zoo and our beach trip don't think that we are living some sort of non stop exciting life. There's a lot of down time around here.
Two weeks ago was Saturday, June 11 which was free fishing day. Brandon and the twins had been looking forward to this for weeks. Brandon had everything packed and ready the night before. The morning of the trip he woke the girls up early and helped them into the car while they were still in their pajamas. They drove out to Frank Jackson Lake near Opp and had a great time fishing. They were gone almost all day.
By all accounts they had a great time.
They caught minnows to put onto their hooks. Brandon was very happy that the girls baited their own hooks.
He said they were really good at it.
They spent all day out there.
Brandon said they had a great time.
He said most of his time was spent untangling the fishing lines.
Consequently, they didn't catch anything. But they made some great memories.
On Sunday we went to church like normal, but the Primary schedule had changed. Due to some boundary changes our ward has been steadily shrinking as the military families move to other duty stations. There's no one to replace them because all the new families that arrive go to a different ward. Each week our ward gets smaller. The Primary has become small enough that it makes sense to combine Jr and Sr Primary during Singing Time and Sharing Time.
Brandon and I teach the 10 and 11 year olds and so usually we weren't in Primary with Charlotte, Lydia, and Derrick. But now we are all together. Lydia came and sat with me in the back for a little bit.
Derrick fell asleep during primary. He was nodding off during Singing Time and the Primary President asked him if he wanted to lay on the floor. So he did that and was out. He slept all the way through Sharing Time. His primary class just stayed in the Primary room so he didn't have to wake up and move. He slept almost to the end of church. When we got home he went to bed and slept for 4 more hours. And then he still went to bed at his normal time.
Meanwhile the girls were really helpful as I made dinner. Lydia insisted on peeling potatoes for me.
And Charlotte helped put all the french toast onto the griddle. That freed me up to cook the eggs and sausage.
Since Derrick was so sleepy I suspected he was getting sick again. Plus he had a cough that sounded pretty bad. So I figured I'd take him to the doctor on Monday morning. However all that sleep must have been what he needed because he woke up and seemed to be feeling much better. Still I tried calling the clinic to get an appointment. Usually I don't have a problem getting a same day appointment, but they really must have had a lot of people calling in because I was on hold for over ten minutes. Finally I gave up and decided that I'd already wasted enough time with that for the day. It would be an even bigger waste of my time to take Derrick to the doctor. Derrick really did seem to be doing better anyway. So that was the end of that.
I'm glad Derrick wasn't sick because this was the start of our first week of a care free summer. Derrick has been sick during the real first week so that didn't count. And we'd done VBS during the second. So this was our first week of real summer.
Also Brandon was planning on going to help out at Scout Camp later that day and I didn't want him to miss out on that if I had to take Derrick to the doctor. Brandon really doesn't have much to do at work right now while they try to figure out his sleeping issues. He's been passed around some departments as they try to find a place for him. He's had some jobs but mostly he just goes to PT and then checks in at work twice a day. Overall it's nothing to complain about - especially since he's still getting paid. But it's difficult for a hard worker like Brandon to not have much to do.
Since he has the time he decided he might as well help out at our ward's scout camp every day after work. They were camped less than a half hour away so it wasn't a big deal to go up there every afternoon. He was so excited to take all his gear and go hang out with the three boys and two other leaders from the ward.
So while Brandon did scouting stuff I played with the kids. We had so much fun on our first day of summer vacation. We went swimming at the pool right when it opened. This was the first time I've taken all four kids to the pool by myself in two years. (Last time we did it Veronica was baby and slept half the time.) The kids have all grown enough that they can stand up pretty far out in the pool. Charlotte and Lydia are very comfortable in the water. Derrick is still nice and cautious so I don't have to worry about him - yet, and the puddle jumper is the greatest thing ever because Veronica can hang out with the older kids. She yells, "I'm a fish!" and swims around.
We live ridiculously close to the pool so we just walked up there with some of the kids in the wagon. When we came home we passed two of our neighbor boys doing a lemonade stand. So of course the kids wanted us to buy some. I went home and found some quarters and so we bought from the cute but WAY over priced lemonade stand.
Later in the afternoon we got the bikes out and the kids rode them around on the drive way. We also ate pop cycles.
And that evening we made cookies. This is when the day started to have some cracks. I haven't realized it, but Brandon has been home every night for almost a year. I forgot how crazy the kids can get when bedtime is approaching and I'm the only adult. Suddenly I started to have moments that reminded me of situations that would regularly happen while Brandon was deployed. Moments like Derrick deciding to take of his poopy pull-up at the exact same time the timer for the cookies went off. If Brandon was home I would have just yelled for him to take care of either the cookies or Derrick and he would have dropped what he was doing to help out. But he wasn't around. And I had to take care of both things. (I chose to take care of the poop since that is way messier than burned cookies - and the cookies didn't get that burned anyway.)
Still it wasn't anything I couldn't handle and we all enjoyed the cookies and I put the kids to bed and then got a lot of writing done.
Brandon came home around 9:00 and told me how he'd shown off his one match fire lighting skills and impressed (at least some) of the scouts. I was glad that he'd had a good time.
I was worried about my ambisious plans for what to do with the kids on Tuesday. It was payday so I was planning on buying Brandon's Father's Day present, going grocery shopping, and picking up an online order at Sam's Club. I felt fairly certain I could do it. But I wasn't counting on a sucker punch from anxiety.
Over the past few years I've had a some bouts with anxiety. Most of them happened while I was a few months postpartum with Derrick, but I had a three day one after Veronica was born. Occasionally they still pop up. This one was probably the worst one I've had in almost a year. For some reason I really want to write about what I was feeling and thinking. So here is a really long description of my day.
The day started out normal enough. Derrick had his first day of summer school and it was relaxing to only get one kid ready and on the bus. Since I didn't want to go anywhere until he came back I decided to spend the morning finishing my post about the US Space and Rocket Center for my travel blog.
That post was HARD. I created my travel blog so I could have a place to grow as a writer. (Because let's face it, I totally phone it in on this blog most of the time.) Each post I write for that blog takes a lot of time and energy. I also do a lot of research to make sure I'm telling the facts correctly. In fact, I usually research a place more
after I've visited it than before. The Rocket Center post was especially hard because there was so much to talk about. I'd written over half the post when I decided I wanted to completely change the way I was presenting the info. So that took time. When it was finally done I was super proud of the result. Seriously, go back and read
what I wrote about the Rocket Center on this blog. And then compare it to
the post I wrote for 51 cent adventures. You can plainly see how much more effort I put into the travel blog.
Writing the post had drained me more than I thought. Usually I come away from writing feeling energized, but this time I came away feeling anxious. I felt worried about EVERYTHING and I kept shaking my arms like I was trying to get something off them.
Brandon asked me if I was okay, and I explained away my anxious feelings by saying that I was just worried about how Derrick was doing at school. Which I guess was partially true.
But that wasn't all of it. I was also worried about all the trips to the store we needed to do that day. And we NEEDED to do them because we were going out of town starting on Thursday so this was the only chance. And I also needed to pay our bills. And I also needed to pack for our mini vacation. And Brandon was planning on sleeping over at the boy scout camp that night so I had to figure out what to do with the kids that evening, and basically my mind was in overdrive.
Then, in addition to all the anxiety and worry I started to have feelings of inadequacy. I started to feel like that post I'd just spent hours on wasn't very good. That I'd never be very good. That everyone could tell I was a total hack and that my writing wasn't helping anyone.
And the thoughts started spreading to other things that I'm usually pretty darn proud of myself about. A few days earlier my health coach had asked me to send her some before and after pictures of myself. I was happy to do that - because hey I'm super proud of my change. But on Tuesday I started to feel like maybe I wasn't good enough. Like maybe I couldn't maintain my healthy weight. Like maybe everybody could tell that my tummy was still too flabby and that I can't run very far. I started to think that soon the weight would all come back.
I pushed those feelings down and went to pay our bills. I love paying bills. For one because it's nice to have money to do that. And two because paying them makes me feel like I have a "real" job. This month I was especially excited to pay our bills because I'd get to pay off the last Fedloan account. But after doing that I just felt hollow. I couldn't help thinking that we should have done more. If we hadn't gone on vacation in April we could have paid off that loan one month earlier. Or if we hadn't bought a wheat grinder or a freezer we could have put the money toward debt. So instead of feeling happy that we'd already paid more on student loans this year than any other year I just felt guilty that we hadn't done enough.
I knew something was wrong with my way of thinking, but I couldn't fix it. And there were still so many things I NEEDED to do that day. Derrick came home from school and we had a quick lunch. Brandon got ready to check back in at work. The kids and I got in the car to go shopping. I'd already decided that Sam's Club would have to wait until Wednesday and so we just needed to go to two stores.
Our first stop was the Exchange. This is kind of like a mall on post. But only kind of. It's more like a department store with a food court. (Other posts have better Exchanges, but Fort Rucker is so tiny we just have a tiny exchange.) I hardly ever go here since things are usually cheaper at Walmart. But Walmart is a 10 mile drive away so occasionally the exchange does just fine.
A few weeks ago Brandon told me that he'd seen a hammock at the Exchange and that's what he wanted for Father's Day. I thought it would be fun for the kids to go with while we bought his gift. So I bravely took all four kids into that store.
It wasn't a complete disaster, but it could have been. Every time we do go to the Exchange the kids see a toy they want and cry about it. I've kept our kids fairly ignorant of the toy aisle at most stores, but this one is in plain sight. I'd told the kids we weren't getting anything except the hammock, but they still saw things they wanted. One of the twins in particular was very upset about whatever it was she wanted.
To make it worse we couldn't find the hammock. The clerk wasn't very helpful either. She assumed we were talking about a large expensive hammock that had been on display earlier. She said that was the only one they sold. Which was incorrect, but since I hadn't actually seen the hammock that Brandon wanted I didn't know how to correct her.
The trip wasn't a total bust though. We did find a beach umbrella for $5 cheaper than I'd seen elsewhere. So we bought that and I walked the four kids out to the car- one was sobbing, one refused to hold my hand, one shut the door in another ones face, and one who acted just fine. It's kind of an indication of how crazy things can get in this family when the autistic child is the one who doesn't give me any grief.
After we got in the car I told the kids we were just going to have to go home. Which was a problem because we didn't have any milk. So if they didn't shape up we wouldn't have cereal for breakfast. That calmed them down enough and so we went to the Commissary. I also sent out an SOS text to Brandon hoping that he hasn't left for scout camp and seeing if he could come help me.
The Commissary wasn't that bad. We've gone grocery shopping enough that I can handle all four kids. And it's a lot easier to justify buying fun food for the kids than it is to buy them crappy over priced toys. Plus we were going on a mini vacation and so we wanted to bring some fun food.
Still I was very happy when Brandon showed up while we were in the dairy section. I sent him to grab some things that I'd missed (even after a year I still can't figure out the screwy way that store is laid out.)
Brandon helped us out to the car and then went to scout camp. I brought the kids home and we all celebrated being done shopping by having Blue Bell ice cream. (This was the reward for filling the puffball jar earlier.)
Charlotte made a smiley face in her ice cream.
And Lydia did too. They thought it was so funny. (This is one reason I don't buy them expensive toys.)
By this point I was willing to admit that I wasn't doing okay and that I just needed to take it easy for the rest of the day. I had been thinking that we'd go swimming, but I didn't think I could handle that. Instead the kids watched Home. I got online and ordered a hammock on Target.com. In retrospect that's what I should have done from the beginning.
Somewhere in here I posted on Facebook that I was dealing with anxiety. I was so surprised by the outpouring of support that post received. I really appreciated knowing I wasn't alone. Thank you!
We made it through the rest of the afternoon and dinner. I was trying to figure out what we would do until bedtime when it started raining outside. Playing in the rain seemed like the perfect way to finish the day. So I told the kids to go run around. The had blast and ended up playing in the gutter. I love this picture. Every time I feel like I'm failing at this parenting thing my kids do something like this and I'm like, "nope, they still are having a great childhood."
So we made it to bedtime and the kids went to bed pretty easily. Then I went in my room. I binge watched Gilmore Girls episodes until midnight. I also sorted laundry, but that only lasted until about 9:00.
By the way, I totally take back every time I rolled my eyes when someone complained about their husband's going to scout camp. I'll admit I used to think things like, "you can't handle a week without your husband, try 8 1/2 months." Now I know better. With deployments you have time to prepare and it's such a drawn out process that you kind of wish your husband would just leave already so you can start missing him. But with scout camp he was here and then he was gone. I had no time to adjust. And I assumed it would be easy so I hadn't prepared. I'll never make that mistake again.
The next morning I woke up feeling slightly better. But I'd already decided that I'd still take it easy. That meant no trip to Sam's Club. Instead I had plans to hang out with my friend Becca. Becca is probably the closest thing I have to a best friend here at Fort Rucker. (Especially since the my other two close friends have moved - dang military life.) We'd made plans to hang out, and I'm so glad we did because talking to Becca was exactly what I needed to help me feel better. Sometimes you just need someone to vent to. I felt like myself again after our conversation.
Brandon came home and said that he'd spent the night sleeping in a hammock that he made out of a sheet and two logs. He'd learned the trick at SERE and he'd had fun showing it off to the scouts. Scout camp lasted two more nights, but he was done since we had family plans.
We spent the rest of the day packing for our little vacation. I also started my period which explained A LOT of the feelings and thoughts I'd been having during the last 24 hours. I swear, every time I start to think I need therapy it just turns out that I'm about to start my period. Hormones kind of suck.
So anyway, the next five days turned out pretty awesome. We went to the zoo on Thursday and then camping near beaches on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. But since this post is already way too long I'll talk about those fun things in two separate posts.
When we came home we discovered that a gladiola had bloomed. I'd planted these with the girls last year and nothing happened. But one decided to grow this year. It was a nice little sign that good things can happen at home this summer.
We also went to check on the garden. I'd been hoping to check on it before we went out of town, but the anxiety had cancelled that plan. So it had been about 10 days since I'd been to the garden. We ended up with a nice little harvest. The second set of beans were ripe. We picked a bunch of tomatoes, green onions, and even a chili pepper. I may not have the fanciest garden (as evidenced by this picture) but it is producing well.
We even had corn growing. I was just about to give up on these plants. But they are actually growing ears of corn.
It was really fun to harvest all the food. And I love using it when I cook. I made pulled pork and I was able to season it with the onions, garlic, and chili pepper that I grew. Pretty cool.
So anyway, that's it for this little up date. Thanks for reading about all the anxiety stuff. For some reason I just really wanted to share that.
And check back soon for the posts about the zoo and the beaches. I was glad that I was mostly over the anxiety in time to enjoy those things.
And if you don't mind popping over to
www.51centadventures.com and checking out my work over there. I really do put a lot of effort into that website. If you like what you see please share it with your friends.
That's all for now. Talk to you later
